I’ll be moving out of this house soon. A house that I can consider my first home, in a way, it’s not the home I grew up in and I may not own the house. But this is the first house I have lived in that I’ve paid for, that’s been mine. I think that has been the biggest part of 2nd Year at Uni, was the living. Was actually being an adult for once, not just playing pretend.
I’ve watched as the house has gotten more and more empty, as each one of us has moved out. So I’ve seen how it’s changed from our home, with our memories plastered everywhere to turn cold and bare. Even though our stamp and our identity can’t be seen I can still see it. I stand in spots and can see the memories.
The hub of our house, our living room, is so full of memories. There’s like this switch in my head that gets the projector whirring and I can see them play out before me in a haze. I can see that first day that I moved in. I can see us all sat in our seats sending ugly snapchats to each other. I can see us blaring music and looking like idiots as we leg dance. I can see us just dancing and playing about. I can see us having predrinks. I can see us playing blindfold hide and seek. I can see us all sat there watching bake off. I can see us watching scary films, and us all making it worse by scaring each other. I can see us all surrounded by books, whilst we’re trying to write our essays. I can see us comforting one another when we’re down. I can see us playing the try not to laugh game. I can see the time when I was woken up at 3am because there was a spider downstairs and none of them would get rid of it. I can see those stupidly late night chats. I can see the hungover days. I can see me late night baking because I was stressed and then the others joining me. I can see us all trying to cook in the smallest kitchen in the world at the same time. I can see the arguments we’ve had. I can see a load of us all napping at the same time. I can see us eating take away together. I can see us celebrating each other’s birthdays. I can see us gossiping together. I can see us talking. I can see us smiling. I can see us laughing. I can see us in complete silence. But we’re content. I can see us for what we were, a mismatched family of sorts.
So there’s this place that was the center of so many memories. They’re all there. And so many of them are so happy, and we’ve grown so much as people together. It’s like all those memories are my happy place and they’re trapped there. Trapped in that room, and I’m having to say goodbye to it and know that I won’t make any more memories there. And the ones that I have are gone, they’re done and they’re going to fade. I won’t remember them clearly and right now those general statements from before, aren’t general, because I can press play and see specific memories. But one day they aren’t going to. Nostalgia is one of the happiest yet saddest feelings to exist and I feel it so strongly and often. This place felt so purely mine, and I want to be able to preserve it. I’m happy to move on to somewhere new. I’m just not happy to let it go. I’m not ready for the memories to fade. I want to preserve it all, but I know I can’t. The memories may fade, but I’ll remember that for the most part I was so happy living here, and I was sad to say goodbye.
365 thoughts in a year 