University Thoughts – Finding Yourself

I often forget that I am still growing. That I am still only in the first quarter of my life. Though I often find myself caught between who I want to be and who I’m trying to be, and I sometimes wonder if I’m trying to be the person I want to be, or if I’m trying to be the person I think other’s want me to be.

I’m not quite sure who I am, and I’m trying to work that out at the moment. Trying to work out what my place in this world is meant to be. I see how people at University change, some try desperately to reinvent themselves, to make people see them how they want people to see them, some people don’t change at all, some people kid themselves into thinking they are changing but they just can’t escape themselves, some just mature, and some are still lost, still trying to work out what sort of person they want to be.

Yet, the thing is, the thing I’m trying to remind myself is that I don’t just become one identity. I will go through so many reincarnations of myself throughout my life time, it’s not a matter of finding one and going with it. Perhaps I need to stop trying to find myself and be a specific person, but just let myself evolve and develop freely without pressure. The only sort of person I should be aiming to be in life is happy. Nothing else. The only person I need and want to be is happy.

University Thoughts – An Unhappy Memory No-more

It hurts. Actually no.
It doesn’t.
It used to, and for a second I thought the wound
would open. Bare raw flesh back bracing the wind.
But the instant twang turned to nothing.
Faded quickly.
It’s almost laughable now.
At how there was a blip in the timeline,
where we were good friends. Maybe something more.
But it burned and then there was silence.
An awkwardness, a regret, a blip.
Where two strands of a timeline accidentally crossed
and the universe realised its mistake. It crushed it.
Made it an uncomfortable memory. A lesson perhaps.
For me at least.
Probably not for you. Probably meant nothing to you.
I doubt you ever think about it. Maybe if you do
it’s to laugh or cringe, at the blip that our unfated, mistake of a crossing was.
So now our silence is only broken when regretfully
you need something. I answer. The blip in the timeline
reopened just for a second.
Only to close once more.
So yes, its laughable now.
How a meeting of people
becomes a wound
becomes a scar
to become nothing at all.
A memory that was nothing more than some blip,
a mistake made by the universe. And me, I suppose.

University Thoughts – happiness

Happiness is a strange creature. Her absence is always noted and yet her presence rarely. You forget that she is there in the smallest of moments, because when she isn’t everything feels ten times more empty, it feels like all warmth has gone and you are left alone and shivering and you forget that she was ever even there in the first place. Happiness tends to hide in the corner of your mouth, she creeps in without you noticing, your heart gets warmer without you realising. She’s that fleck of yellow in the corner of your eye that you never seem to see. But when you look back when she’s gone, you see the haze of yellow over your memories and her sitting in the corner and in the upturn of your smile. So take a note of that. Don’t catch yourself stuck and frozen in her absence, live for her presence and make the most of when she’s there. You are just so preoccupied with her absence and it just so happens to be that when she’s gone she’s so much louder than when she’s was there. So just the time to listen and look for her in the corner. Because she’s there, I promise you that.