University Thoughts -Words I cannot say

Your eyes are imploring me. No. They’re begging me to say the words that you so desperately want to hear. But I can’t say them, my mouth cannot form those words because they are not my words. They are the words that you have imagined hearing, wished you’d hear. You’ve only ever heard them in your voice, my mouth moving but your voice and words coming out. That isn’t what you want though. You want for my eyes to look into yours and for me to smile and have my mouth say those words that you long for.

I can’t.

The only things that I can say are the words that you do not want to see my mouth form. Because they are like a stab in your chest, causing your heart to ache and break just a tiny bit more. I can see it in your face when I tell you that I can’t say them, won’t say them, because it would only be a lie. I see the words that I do say to you are of no comfort, they are not words of pain or malice, they are words of friendship. But to you that word cuts just as sharp, because they are not the words you want to hear or accept, no matter how many times I say them. You want me to repeat your words back to you.

The problem is they are not my words to say. They are yours, they have always been yours. I cannot take your words for my own as they will never be mine.

University Thoughts – The Haze of You

When you first meet someone, you don’t think much of them. You don’t have much to say about them, you might have the initial first response like “oh they’re funny” but that’s about it. You don’t waste any more time on them than that.

Then you get to know them and you realise your first assumption of “oh they’re funny” is true, because they really are. But then you learn other stuff about them. You realise they’re smart, talented, irritating, a wind up, kind and caring. You get on well with them. You form a friendship and then suddenly without you realising it changes. Then you start seeing them in a haze, you wonder why you’re seeing everything in a haze. It’s like everything around them is clouded and your heart starts beating faster when they see you and every time they speak you can’t stop the muscles in your face from smiling. And it’s scary. Because usually when it comes to people your brain is so logical and then suddenly it isn’t.

You can’t even understand why it’s them. Of all people to suddenly change it’s them. Even in your haze you can’t quite understand it. Because the haze isn’t just what you see surrounding them, it’s how your brain starts to think. Then with alcohol down in your system, the little bubbles of intoxication clear your brain and you think that you’re invincible and that you might explode, so you tell them. You tell them that they are now a haze. That’s when it all comes crashing down, because you saw him in a haze but he only ever saw you clearly.

The only good thing about setting the words free is that it also sets you free. It allows for the haze to lessen, it’s not quick like you would hope. But it’s gradual. You notice yourself missing them less, not waiting to see if they’ll message you, not waiting for them to reply to you or notice you, or that involuntary smile. The haze falls away and you still see the good attributes, but you also see the bad now as well, you don’t misread everything they say or do. Because the haze is no-longer there to misdirect you, you see their words and their actions for what they are. You realise that they were never really genuine with you, never really kind, or a true friend, they are what they are. You can see that clearly now, the haze is fading and you wonder why there ever was a haze in the first place, because when the haze was there you were trapped in it. But now you’re free.

In the end you see that you were just a fool playing your part in a weird game and only they knew the rules but they thought you knew them too. You didn’t.

University Thoughts – I once knew a Girl and a Boy

I once knew a girl and a boy. She was the sort of girl you’d see in an indie film, a girl that needed saving from herself, her past and from the life she had been given, and he was the sort of boy who was intoxicated by her presence and thought he could save her. I think she thought he could too. But I saw how he would do anything he could for her, and she would ask him for the world and if he could he would give it to her. I saw how he became besotted by her, intoxicated by her, and yet I think she cared for him. Deeply. But she thought he was there to save her and for moments he did, but this is real life not films and he couldn’t save her, couldn’t do what she wanted him to do. And then when they went on different paths in life; they broke up.

I once knew a girl and boy. She was bright and kind and a friend to everyone, he was the same but in a different way. He was a friend to everyone, he was kind, he was unpredictable, he chased the dangerous. I watched as their friendship became something more. I watched as his eyes turned away from his girlfriend and starting seeing her in that way. I watched as they smiled, I watched how they flirted, I watched them get together. I watched them become consumed with one another. I watched how they smiled together and fell for one another. But I also saw and heard how she wanted to save him. Save him from his own demons, save him from his recklessness and chasing danger. I saw him want to change and he tried. The problem is he thought he was immortal, or at least pretended he was, and she was too kind to see it. And saving someone isn’t possible when the person isn’t truly ready to be saved. And then they went on different paths in life.They broke up. When they did, his demons consumed him, and he isn’t the same.

I once knew a girl and boy. She was sweet and kind, innocent and hurting. He was a stranger to me, but he seemed nice and funny and cared for her. They rarely saw each other, constantly dancing around one another, never letting go and never ceasing the moment. The problem is they desperately wanted each other, or rather, they desperately wanted the idea of each other. She liked the idea of him, liked the idea of having him by her side, but the reality didn’t get her heart racing, it didn’t save her or distract her from her pain. It took her far too long to realise that. To realise she wanted the idea but he wasn’t it. And so she decided to go on a different path. They broke up. She became more relaxed, it hardly hurt her at all, if anything her eyes went straight back to searching for the idea that she craved.

I once knew a girl and boy. She was funny, beautiful, strong, but insecure and trying so hard not to shatter. He was the sort of boy who didn’t realise how bright the sun shone until he was looking somewhere else. They met before her life broke and before she was trying to keep it together, holding tightly onto the strings. She saw only the good in him, was falling too fast to see the bad. He made her feel special, made her feel something, and she was falling. He liked her, no doubt about that, but he had been burnt before and he was careless and wanted everything he couldn’t have. But she was strong enough to not let herself be unappreciated. She gave him a second chance. He lost that second chance, because he wanted his cake and to eat it too. He consumed her thoughts and no matter how many times she tried to hate him she couldn’t. He knew how to tug on her heart, to manipulate her emotions, she never knew if she had fallen for him. I don’t think she did, she doesn’t think so either but she always wonders. But that isn’t what love is, she’ll realise that when she truly finds. it. And they were on different paths in life. Both were each other’s weakness but they were not each other’s strength. She deserved much better than him, and with time she realises that.

I once knew a girl and a boy. She was brilliant and creative and caring but so very unhappy. The kind of unhappy that consumes you but also comes out in the worst ways. He was shy, and awkward, but cared deeply about so many things. Cared so deeply about her it made him a fool. He was her first love, and at first it was exciting and new and brilliant but it also wasn’t what she expected. She thought love was different, she wanted it, no, she needed it to be the way she thought it was meant to be. But he showed loved differently and she couldn’t always see it. She dreamt of something more, and sometimes she tried to seek it. She made mistakes, and he forgave her, not once, not twice, but every time. He was a fool and she was unhappy. She’d tell herself and everyone she was in love, and perhaps she was, maybe she is, sometimes she is, but it’s not enough to save her. They’ve spoken about breaking up. I think they need to. Because she needs the love that she craves, but she can’t get it from anyone but herself. She wants to be saved, but refuses to see how. She wants a quick fix, not ready to truly try. Because truly trying means letting go and learning to love herself.

I know a lot of girls and a lot of boys. And I watch. I watch what this idea of love and relationship does to them. I see how it changes people, how it consumes them. I see the beauty, but I also see the cracks and the ugly. They see it through rose tinted glasses, I see it through a cracked window. They want to see the good in it, I’m just waiting to see the bad.

University Thoughts – Souls

It hurts.

Being alone hurts, though I suppose it would hurt more if I knew what it was like at the other end. If I knew what it was like to have my soul warming to another, be entwined with another. My soul has only ever known me, it hasn’t even been in the position to start to know another. I think that’s what hurts.

Everyone has had that chance. So many people around me have had their soul meet another. Have their heart suddenly race, their face smile when they get a message from them. But also to have that smile falter, to have tears fall, have their heart break and have a fire pour out from the cracks. I haven’t had that.

It’s just empty.

And it feels ever-so like the emptiness is expanding. Especially when so many around me are finding someone to make them feel less alone. To make them feel special, to make their heart skip at the sight of their smile and words. To ache like they have never ached before. But me…

I don’t know that feeling. Don’t know what it’s like to hurt like that. Have the hurt be so intense that you could burst, have someone hold my soul and be capable of hurting it. I am told I am lucky. Told never to find another soul because it’ll only bring pain. But that’s easy to say when you have felt the pain, because you’ve known the happiness.

I’ve never known the happiness.

It’s consuming me. Swallowing me whole. Yearning to know what it’s like, I want to understand. I want to have my soul learn about another, I don’t need to be entwined I just want to know what it’s like to feel irrevocable bound to someone. To have them consume every thought within my brain.

Because right now the only thing that consumes my brain is myself. My own piercing lonesome thoughts, watching the world go past. Watching friends hold hands and share those smiles of early knowing. Where the corners just crease and their eyes are filled with nothing but warmth. Familiar laughs and comfort, and jokes and jibes that can only be said after knowing someone’s soul with every piece of your own. The hurt too. Have the memory of their smile send your heart sinking and your eyes blue. Or to have the memory of them leave you nothing but cold and memories so old they have no connection to who you are anymore.

I just feel lost.

I don’t need another soul for me to know where my own is. I know who I am, I am whole without another one joining mine. Though it doesn’t stop the feelings of being trapped in a dark forest, with every path covered in brambles and having to pull myself through painfully and bloodily.

I am told there are souls that would like to get to know my own. But my soul doesn’t seem to want to get to know theirs, and neither does it believe them. It knows feelings are so often confused by desperately wanting and desperately needing. That these wants and needs are projected on someone who shows you kindness. That’s all those souls think, they think they want to get to know mine. But I see through it all, I know the truth.

And the truth causes me to hurt even more.

As at the end of the day I’m destined to feel this way…and know that it’s partly through my own design that that is the case.

Thought no.251- Friendships

There are two friendships in my life, which I greatly and deeply regret having lost.

I regret the loss of my childhood, primary school best friend Sharna, evening spelling her name now feels so wrong and distant and oh-so foreign. She and I, I would say drifted apart when we went to secondary school and I never really made the effort to prevent the drifting. I don’t think I realised how much I would miss her and her friendship. It is in fact only this past year or so since leaving secondary school that these feelings of regret and have come into play. I don’t know really how to describe y friendship with her and it feels so long ago that we were that close, but my primary school days are riddled with our friendship and she was my primary school days. Just thinking about it now it making me feel all emotional. I’m even welling up.

The second regret is the loss my friendship with Millie, her and I were best friends for about three years or so but it feels so much longer. As I look back at it now, she and I were so similar in our likes but we were also different but she like a soulmate friend. I always wish and hope for having this one friend who I could go and do anything with but the fact is I had a friend like that and I lost her and only realise now how much I regret how I acted. We didn’t fall out. Not at all if we still see eachother we wave and smile, I’d like to say we drifted apart but that wasn’t the case. It is my fault. I’m not good with expressing my feelings and closed myself off from her and in the end ruined the friendship, because I was a stupid idiot who got annoyed and couldn’t just voice my issues and tell her what was going on.

These two friendships are some of the greatest friendships I have ever had and whenever I think that I am not friends/close friends/don’t speak to them anymore it does slightly break my heart. I know that sounds extreme and sappy but it is true, as you don’t realise how good something was until it is gone. These two girls were friends who i could say were my friends as in just them and we had that solid foundation just between us.

My current close friends I wouldn’t say I have a single strong bond as I did with these two, we’re a group of four and I always feel strange hanging around with one and not the others. I feel as a group we just work well and feel strange if we hang out separately so don’t try and do that, which is stupid and idiotic. But I know now that I am not a good friend. I don’t know if I know how to be a good friend.

But yes, there are two friendships in my life which I regret with all my heart that they ended. I wouldn’t know even how to rekindle the friendships or even if I could and if that they were perfect at the time and trying to rekindle would ruin the memories. Perhaps, friendships just have an expiry date, and sometimes its best to let them end rather than let them go bad.

 

 

Though no.7 – Love

I have never been in love, but I have read about it, watched it in tv shows and films and seen it with my very own eyes in the people around me. But I have never felt it. I am talking about the love between two people, in a relationship, where they are dating and they put a label on it. That is the type of love I am talking about.

I know what it is meant to be like, I know what it is meant to look like and what it is meant to feel like. But none of this is known personally and I do not know if there is any truth in this. I know what it is like to have a crush on someone and to feel this attraction but with that all I want is for them to like me. I want to get to know them, but I do not know what being in love, or in a relationship entails.

Sometimes I believe that love is not even a real thing. I sometimes think that love is just a concept or a label to put on something. Like an upgrade from a specific relationship to a friend, you upgrade to love, I don’t know if you actually feel it. I think we presume because we are in a specific place and doing specific things with people, that we presume that this is now love. People use the word so idly that I believe it has lost meaning. I think if I had not read about it, or seen it through some other medium, I would never care about finding it, and I do not think I ever would.

I am so hooked upon finding love and I presume that when I find it I will be whole. But why must I let this concept and the other person who shall provide me with it, be the one to make me whole. I should not allow someone else to be the source that determines my self-worth and makes me full. I should whole by myself without someone else.

From what I have not experienced, I believe love is meant to be this all wonderful feeling, that makes your heart race and causes you to smile whenever you think about that person or see them. Being away from them would cause you some sort of pain, and being with them makes all your worries go away as they make everything okay. Love I believe is when another person accepts everything about you, they do not care about your flaws, they only care that they make you you, and you think the same about them. But then, I do not believe in love. This is because I have never experienced it, so I know that some day I might swallow my words.

Though let me rephrase myself. I do believe in the idea, or concept, of love. As so many people use the word, so they are experiencing the idea, as they know that that is where they are in their relationship, whether they actually feel it, is something I do not know. Although I see it as more of a label than an actual thing, I hope one day I will be proved wrong. But I know that some people might never experience this type of love and I often worry that I am this person.