A Thought from 2/2/15 – Drowning

Do you ever feel as if you are dying? As if you are dying really slowly, I mean it is not that far off the mark, because we are technically all dying. Born to die, we’ve been dying since the moment we were born, extremely slowly. But it’s as if I am dying right now, well, metaphorically speaking for I don’t know what it is like to die. Perhaps this is drowning. That’s it. I’m drowning.

I’m losing the ability to care or rather I am caring, far too much and don’t want to care. And it’s suffocating me, I’m drowning in it all. My brain is pressing against my skull as it fills up and it is driving me insane. It may only last a couple of days, or weeks, but then it shall return. I always seem to start drowning again and again and again. I am doomed to drown in life it would seem. For I am incapable to know how to handle it and survive it and enjoy it.

I wrote a thought for everyday last year, and my tagline for it was a thought a day keeps the madness away. And in retrospect it did in some strange manner. Writing it would seem is exceptionally therapeutic for me, as for the past month not writing like this, not seeking that escape everyday; I’ve missed it. Perhaps not actively, but looking back on it I have. Maybe that is why I am drowning in life again, or it is the beginning of the year, I seem to remember drowning this time last year too…

Thought no.365 – The End

Well this is it…the end! Everything reaches it end whether it be my contract at what was my currently job today, or the end of these blog posts or even the end of the year, all of which tie in together in a neat end bow today. It’s been long this journey of 2014 and writing a thought everyday (well, almost, but I am human, I do forget). It’s New Years Eve and with it will come the passing of the year 2014 and bring forth the year 2015. I’m not big on the whole celebration of New Years, its just another end and another beginning, but really its just a kick up the back-side for everyone to get their stuff together and try and not waste another year and get those things done they always say they will.

But I’m not going to think about off into 2015 land and what it will bring and what I plan to do, because it’ll just give me too much of a headache. I want to look back at 2014. And lucky me I have a whole blog full of my year, not a diary but just a small recount of what was going on in my head each day. Just a thought, nothing more nothing less. And I’ve picked a favourite from each month:

January – Thought no.18 – Maze of Life

February – Thought no.59 – Waiting

March – Thought no.77 – The demons will appear 

April – Thought no.11 – It’s kind of a funny story

May – Thought no.140 – The right place at the right time

June – Thought no.175 – Happy Thoughts

July – Thought no.187 – New Camera

August – Thought no.221 – Where are the words?

September – Thought no.251 – Friendships

October – Thought no.278 and 279 – Welcome Rain

November – Thought no.310 – Time

December – Thought no.351 – Holding on

I hope you all enjoy those thoughts as much as I did. For next year I shan’t do a thought everyday, but I don’t believe I’ll completely give up on blogging, this blog shall not be abandoned but at least now I can write when there actually is the muse and motivation to do so.

Here’s to 2015 and what the year may bring, I hope you all have a great year and let it be filled with all the adventures and happiness it possibly can!

Thought no.351 – Holding on

There’s this tightening in my chest again,
the one I get when I’m alone
not that I am by myself,
I’m just craving an intimacy I’ve never known.

 

 

Thought no.349 – Writing

I have a sudden crave to write and have actually started another story the only problem is, I keep on hitting blocks because I actually have no idea what the story is. I usually write without a plan but I at least have sort of idea write now I have none except the desire to write.

Thought no.335 – I want my words back

I sometimes forget what it is like to write. Like properly write, when I write with my whole soul, heart and mind, the type of writing where it feels as if I have to write because otherwise I’ll die. The sort of writing that consumes my whole being as if if the words themselves were being etched all over my skin so that my writing and I become one. I sometimes forget, in fact I often forget that and I also miss it. I miss feeling like I must write or I will combust with the words I have left unwritten. Those words that need to be put down, because I need them to be down somewhere because it fills me with a sense of purpose, a sense on incandescent joy, that wondrous moment where everything makes sense but also when everything around me ceases to exist and it is just these words, just those words that exist.

I don’t remember the last time I truly felt like that whilst writing. It has been so long because the fact is, I have made writing a chore for myself, and I haven’t needed to write. Not like I feel I once did, right now my mind is so busy it is not in need of having to write, it does not need to find the solace it once found among words. But also its because I couldn’t find the solace, I still can’t really find what I need in writing right now. That leaves me conflicted it leaves me slightly lost I feel because often written words, well more than often actually, but written words come more easily to me than spoken. I often bury myself in the recesses of my mind and the only way to resurface is to write and right now I’m not writing and right now I miss it. I miss feeling the need to write.

I sometimes forget what it is like to write. Truly write. Because I have not done so in so long. But in order to be able to truly write…I need a story.

Thought no.214- I can’t breathe

I feel as if there is a boa constrictor wrapping itself around me
squeezing and squeezing
I want to tear my hair out
I want to scream
I want to get a whole new identity
I feel as though my head is full of dwarves
mining and mining
I want to break something
I want to cry
I want to sleep until I am no longer me
I feel as though I restricted by being me
and paralyzed by these fears
I can’t breathe

 

Thought no.203 – Half a heart

My heart aches and I don’t know why
I would say it is because of you
but there is no you.
I wish there was a you, a you and me,
but I do not even know who you is yet
I hopelessly dream of a you
who will hold my hand and make me smile
sooth my wounds and make me cry.
Everywhere I go I see a someone who has a you
yet I am just a me, not a we, not an us.
Perhaps that is why my heart aches,
it aches because it is only a half not a whole
and it searches hungrily for what will
make it whole and not ache so much.

Thought no.180 – I shall burn

One day I shall burn
just wither away
but I hope to rise
like a phoenix from ash
Long gone will my worries be
I shall be new
new skin, new mind
as previous me
shall be burnt
gone up in flames
One day I shall burn
by my hands or another
but I know I shall rise
because it is either that
or stay within the ashes
of my past hell.

Thought no.156 – Reflection

Of all the billions of people in this world
all those lives and I get the misfortune of
crossing paths with you.
You point out all my flaws and put me
down. You are never kind nor loving
Your main goal in life is to make
mine a misery. To ruin me.
You are always there wherever I may
go. You are a stalker yet I cannot
ever push you away. I need you.
You prove to me that I am here
Without you I cease to exist.
But why of all the people on this planet
did I get the misfortune of crossing paths
with you
me.

Thought no.149 – A bond

I just want to know
how it feels to have a bond
with someone, whether it
be platonically or romantically.
I just want to know
what it is like to always
have someone by your side
to always have someone to
talk to and most of all
have someone who shall ensure
that I am never alone.