University Thoughts – Love feels like… (a poem)

It’s the moment when the sun is on your face,
and you close your eyes as your whole body fills with warmth.
Even though my eyelids are shut I can still see colour.
It’s contentment. It’s as if the whole world stops
the world freezes for me in that second. Nothing else matters,
because nothing else exists. It’s just warmth and colour and content.
I’d like to imagine that’s what love feels like.
At moments, fleeting moments, our love would feel like that.
It’ll be that small smile that appears on my face. The smile
that is only reserved for quiet moments when people aren’t looking.
Like when I’m in the cinema and only the story and the
characters exist and their happiness is mine. You and me could be those
characters, and that secret smile hidden in the dark would be for us.
I’d like to imagine that’s what love feels like.
At moments, fleeting moments, our love would feel like that.
It’s that breath that you take after the days have been so stuffy.
As if I’ve been starving for oxygen because everything around me
feels closer somehow. As if everything is squeezing me, and the air
is too stuffy, the air is too hot, the air is not enough. Then it breaks.
The rain comes pouring down, the sound like a tiny orchestra just for me.
And with that first rain drop. I can finally breathe again.
I’d like to imagine that’s what love feels like.
At moments, fleeting moments, I fool myself into thinking that.
Because, to me, love feels like nothing.
Love is an empty wish as I blow out a candle.

University Thoughts – I once knew a Girl and a Boy

I once knew a girl and a boy. She was the sort of girl you’d see in an indie film, a girl that needed saving from herself, her past and from the life she had been given, and he was the sort of boy who was intoxicated by her presence and thought he could save her. I think she thought he could too. But I saw how he would do anything he could for her, and she would ask him for the world and if he could he would give it to her. I saw how he became besotted by her, intoxicated by her, and yet I think she cared for him. Deeply. But she thought he was there to save her and for moments he did, but this is real life not films and he couldn’t save her, couldn’t do what she wanted him to do. And then when they went on different paths in life; they broke up.

I once knew a girl and boy. She was bright and kind and a friend to everyone, he was the same but in a different way. He was a friend to everyone, he was kind, he was unpredictable, he chased the dangerous. I watched as their friendship became something more. I watched as his eyes turned away from his girlfriend and starting seeing her in that way. I watched as they smiled, I watched how they flirted, I watched them get together. I watched them become consumed with one another. I watched how they smiled together and fell for one another. But I also saw and heard how she wanted to save him. Save him from his own demons, save him from his recklessness and chasing danger. I saw him want to change and he tried. The problem is he thought he was immortal, or at least pretended he was, and she was too kind to see it. And saving someone isn’t possible when the person isn’t truly ready to be saved. And then they went on different paths in life.They broke up. When they did, his demons consumed him, and he isn’t the same.

I once knew a girl and boy. She was sweet and kind, innocent and hurting. He was a stranger to me, but he seemed nice and funny and cared for her. They rarely saw each other, constantly dancing around one another, never letting go and never ceasing the moment. The problem is they desperately wanted each other, or rather, they desperately wanted the idea of each other. She liked the idea of him, liked the idea of having him by her side, but the reality didn’t get her heart racing, it didn’t save her or distract her from her pain. It took her far too long to realise that. To realise she wanted the idea but he wasn’t it. And so she decided to go on a different path. They broke up. She became more relaxed, it hardly hurt her at all, if anything her eyes went straight back to searching for the idea that she craved.

I once knew a girl and boy. She was funny, beautiful, strong, but insecure and trying so hard not to shatter. He was the sort of boy who didn’t realise how bright the sun shone until he was looking somewhere else. They met before her life broke and before she was trying to keep it together, holding tightly onto the strings. She saw only the good in him, was falling too fast to see the bad. He made her feel special, made her feel something, and she was falling. He liked her, no doubt about that, but he had been burnt before and he was careless and wanted everything he couldn’t have. But she was strong enough to not let herself be unappreciated. She gave him a second chance. He lost that second chance, because he wanted his cake and to eat it too. He consumed her thoughts and no matter how many times she tried to hate him she couldn’t. He knew how to tug on her heart, to manipulate her emotions, she never knew if she had fallen for him. I don’t think she did, she doesn’t think so either but she always wonders. But that isn’t what love is, she’ll realise that when she truly finds. it. And they were on different paths in life. Both were each other’s weakness but they were not each other’s strength. She deserved much better than him, and with time she realises that.

I once knew a girl and a boy. She was brilliant and creative and caring but so very unhappy. The kind of unhappy that consumes you but also comes out in the worst ways. He was shy, and awkward, but cared deeply about so many things. Cared so deeply about her it made him a fool. He was her first love, and at first it was exciting and new and brilliant but it also wasn’t what she expected. She thought love was different, she wanted it, no, she needed it to be the way she thought it was meant to be. But he showed loved differently and she couldn’t always see it. She dreamt of something more, and sometimes she tried to seek it. She made mistakes, and he forgave her, not once, not twice, but every time. He was a fool and she was unhappy. She’d tell herself and everyone she was in love, and perhaps she was, maybe she is, sometimes she is, but it’s not enough to save her. They’ve spoken about breaking up. I think they need to. Because she needs the love that she craves, but she can’t get it from anyone but herself. She wants to be saved, but refuses to see how. She wants a quick fix, not ready to truly try. Because truly trying means letting go and learning to love herself.

I know a lot of girls and a lot of boys. And I watch. I watch what this idea of love and relationship does to them. I see how it changes people, how it consumes them. I see the beauty, but I also see the cracks and the ugly. They see it through rose tinted glasses, I see it through a cracked window. They want to see the good in it, I’m just waiting to see the bad.

University Thoughts – Souls

It hurts.

Being alone hurts, though I suppose it would hurt more if I knew what it was like at the other end. If I knew what it was like to have my soul warming to another, be entwined with another. My soul has only ever known me, it hasn’t even been in the position to start to know another. I think that’s what hurts.

Everyone has had that chance. So many people around me have had their soul meet another. Have their heart suddenly race, their face smile when they get a message from them. But also to have that smile falter, to have tears fall, have their heart break and have a fire pour out from the cracks. I haven’t had that.

It’s just empty.

And it feels ever-so like the emptiness is expanding. Especially when so many around me are finding someone to make them feel less alone. To make them feel special, to make their heart skip at the sight of their smile and words. To ache like they have never ached before. But me…

I don’t know that feeling. Don’t know what it’s like to hurt like that. Have the hurt be so intense that you could burst, have someone hold my soul and be capable of hurting it. I am told I am lucky. Told never to find another soul because it’ll only bring pain. But that’s easy to say when you have felt the pain, because you’ve known the happiness.

I’ve never known the happiness.

It’s consuming me. Swallowing me whole. Yearning to know what it’s like, I want to understand. I want to have my soul learn about another, I don’t need to be entwined I just want to know what it’s like to feel irrevocable bound to someone. To have them consume every thought within my brain.

Because right now the only thing that consumes my brain is myself. My own piercing lonesome thoughts, watching the world go past. Watching friends hold hands and share those smiles of early knowing. Where the corners just crease and their eyes are filled with nothing but warmth. Familiar laughs and comfort, and jokes and jibes that can only be said after knowing someone’s soul with every piece of your own. The hurt too. Have the memory of their smile send your heart sinking and your eyes blue. Or to have the memory of them leave you nothing but cold and memories so old they have no connection to who you are anymore.

I just feel lost.

I don’t need another soul for me to know where my own is. I know who I am, I am whole without another one joining mine. Though it doesn’t stop the feelings of being trapped in a dark forest, with every path covered in brambles and having to pull myself through painfully and bloodily.

I am told there are souls that would like to get to know my own. But my soul doesn’t seem to want to get to know theirs, and neither does it believe them. It knows feelings are so often confused by desperately wanting and desperately needing. That these wants and needs are projected on someone who shows you kindness. That’s all those souls think, they think they want to get to know mine. But I see through it all, I know the truth.

And the truth causes me to hurt even more.

As at the end of the day I’m destined to feel this way…and know that it’s partly through my own design that that is the case.

Thought no.351 – Holding on

There’s this tightening in my chest again,
the one I get when I’m alone
not that I am by myself,
I’m just craving an intimacy I’ve never known.

 

 

Thought no.203 – Half a heart

My heart aches and I don’t know why
I would say it is because of you
but there is no you.
I wish there was a you, a you and me,
but I do not even know who you is yet
I hopelessly dream of a you
who will hold my hand and make me smile
sooth my wounds and make me cry.
Everywhere I go I see a someone who has a you
yet I am just a me, not a we, not an us.
Perhaps that is why my heart aches,
it aches because it is only a half not a whole
and it searches hungrily for what will
make it whole and not ache so much.

Thought no.83- Heartbreak

I have never had my heart broken by someone. I have been broken, I am broken but aren’t we all? I have broken myself and put myself back together, yet never has my heart been targeted and I believe your heart is something that perhaps can only be broken by another. Of course I speak metaphorically rather than literally but the premise still stands. What I am saying still makes sense.

I await the day I feel what people call heartbreak, and have someone other than myself causing cracks. It is a strange notion to ‘look forward’ to experiencing this, but I know it shall come, I have read books, seen films, watch tv shows, listened to my friends’ tales, I know heartbreak is inevitable. But to me it marks the fact that someone has been in love. Something that seems to be avoiding me. And life has led me to believe that that is what all humans strive for. Our lives seem to revolve around the notion that we will/need to find love and so I feel rather inadequate as to the fact I have never known love or the blossoming of something that could be love. So to me heartbreak is a badge declaring that you have been in love and that is something I eagerly wait for.

I wish to know what it is like to be in love, if it really is how I imagine/see/read it to be. Or if it is as I fear it to be grossly elaborated or even just a concept that all of us allude ourselves into being true. But heartbreak, that is something I know will come, and only once it comes do I think I will know that what I was experiencing what everyone labels as love.

Thought no.79 – I will win your heart

I promised I would think about you
Everyday we are apart,
You replied ‘Good’,
Since then you have never left my heart.
Every time I close my eyes you are there,
Golden hair and eyes so green,
My thoughts are only of you and me,
Waking moments and in my dreams.

I knew you had forgotten me,
Your mind full of something new,
Our time together was erased
Your memories were no longer true.
I am a villain, you a hero,
Yet our hearts are intrinsically bound,
Without you I am nothing,
You needed to be found.

I sailed a thousand seas,
With the stars as my only guide,
Travelling through realms,
Till I found the one you reside.
Remember me I plead with every breath,
When our eyes finally met,
You saw only a stranger,
Though now you remember I feel only regret.

I took you from a life
That you saw as a beautiful dream,
But without you I was living a nightmare,
Stuck in a world that did not gleam.
You are the one that makes me whole,
I promised I would win your heart,
So, love, take my hand
Trusting me would be a start.

Thought no.45 – Valentines Day

What a surprise that I am doing a blog post about valentines day on February 14th. Naturally I see Valentines day as a cooperate holiday created to get money out of the public, and my singleton-ness only emphasises my cynicism on love today. But you know I do see the good of this ‘holiday’. It is nice to see couples being all cutesy together and getting gifts for one another and just being all couply. Although I am exceptionally jealous, I always think its nice see when someone has that special someone that they walk down the street with their hands entwined.

Though I have to admit the couple having a domestic on the bus today was quite reassuring to me that it isn’t only single people who feel shitty on this day. That’s the problem with Valentines day it is just a day that highlights what you have or haven’t got and makes you feel shitty if you haven’t got it. Any other day I don’t feel as if I need someone in my life but on Valentines day I am made to feel as if I am meant to have someone and I am only whole when I have that other half.

Anyway, Happy Valentines Day 🙂

Thought no.44- My favourite quote

At the moment this quote is my favourite and I often find myself reciting it in my head. The fact is that it is so true and I never would have realised that until I had seen the words before me. Many of us, if not all of us, believe that all these cracks that we have, all this pain we are dealing/have dealt with could all be fixed or won’t matter once we have that one person who loves us and we love back. We all believe that love is this type of magic that will heal us all. It’s a good thing we have something to believe in, and believe love is capable for that, because if for a second we truly accept that it isn’t then we would all shatter into pieces with no hope of being put back together.

Though no.7 – Love

I have never been in love, but I have read about it, watched it in tv shows and films and seen it with my very own eyes in the people around me. But I have never felt it. I am talking about the love between two people, in a relationship, where they are dating and they put a label on it. That is the type of love I am talking about.

I know what it is meant to be like, I know what it is meant to look like and what it is meant to feel like. But none of this is known personally and I do not know if there is any truth in this. I know what it is like to have a crush on someone and to feel this attraction but with that all I want is for them to like me. I want to get to know them, but I do not know what being in love, or in a relationship entails.

Sometimes I believe that love is not even a real thing. I sometimes think that love is just a concept or a label to put on something. Like an upgrade from a specific relationship to a friend, you upgrade to love, I don’t know if you actually feel it. I think we presume because we are in a specific place and doing specific things with people, that we presume that this is now love. People use the word so idly that I believe it has lost meaning. I think if I had not read about it, or seen it through some other medium, I would never care about finding it, and I do not think I ever would.

I am so hooked upon finding love and I presume that when I find it I will be whole. But why must I let this concept and the other person who shall provide me with it, be the one to make me whole. I should not allow someone else to be the source that determines my self-worth and makes me full. I should whole by myself without someone else.

From what I have not experienced, I believe love is meant to be this all wonderful feeling, that makes your heart race and causes you to smile whenever you think about that person or see them. Being away from them would cause you some sort of pain, and being with them makes all your worries go away as they make everything okay. Love I believe is when another person accepts everything about you, they do not care about your flaws, they only care that they make you you, and you think the same about them. But then, I do not believe in love. This is because I have never experienced it, so I know that some day I might swallow my words.

Though let me rephrase myself. I do believe in the idea, or concept, of love. As so many people use the word, so they are experiencing the idea, as they know that that is where they are in their relationship, whether they actually feel it, is something I do not know. Although I see it as more of a label than an actual thing, I hope one day I will be proved wrong. But I know that some people might never experience this type of love and I often worry that I am this person.