University Thoughts – Lost but will be Found

I’ve lost something. I’ve even lost the words to be able to explain it. It’s like when you’re younger and you believe that the mirror is a gateway to another reality, another version of your life and I’m looking in the mirror and the life being shown back to me seems wrong, as if I accidentally fell through one day and am in the other reality. Perhaps it is because I was never meant to make it this far, could never imagine myself this far forward, so it’s as if I am trying to grab onto anything that resembles what I know, what makes sense to me. I like control, I like being in control and recently I lost it, I didn’t have that control over my life. I was free falling and there was nothing I could hold onto, which meant that there wasn’t really a me inside my body. It’s like I started to fall and with nothing to anchor me, I just fell out of my body, leaving it to carry on doing what it was meant and needed to do but without a me inside. But being back home, I found some things to grab, to anchor me, I’m  looking in the mirror and I’m seeing a little bit more of a me.

As if there is a me that is slowly creeping back into the empty shell she left. But I’m scared she’s going to leave again. Because I lost something, and right now I’m on a mission to find it. I have my map, I have my compass, I have the stars to guide me and I’m on my way. I have my bearings, I have my coordinates and I’m going to find her. I’m going to bring her back. I swear that this year is the year that this shell gets filled back up. I refuse to be lost forever. I’m going to find me again. I’m ready. I’M ON MY WAY!

Thought no.1- 2013 Jar

Over 2013 I had this jar, and this jar was filled with little pieces of paper that I had written on throughout the year. These little pieces of paper had briefly written memories that made me happy. So I could look back and see my year focusing on the positives. Yesterday, as it was the last day of the year, I got to open my jar and read through all of these things.

I for some reason expected it to be more uplifting, but seeing my year mapped out before me was oddly strange, because I had not noted down half as many happy memories as I would have hoped to have had. In February I had only two. As I look back at this year just gone and think about those little pieces of paper, I only think how fleeting happiness is. Compared to all other emotions it is so very fleeting, and so hard to focus on when you are usually surrounded by the negative emotions.

I had expected 2013 to be a very happy year after having such an unhappy year in 2012, but looking back, and seeing all these small moments of happiness, I couldn’t help but remember why there wasn’t more. There was one that I read from back in january that said “I got my leavers form today I CAN LEAVE” I was clearly so happy and I remember being over the moon and completely elated. But I thought to myself if I could go back in time and tell my younger self that actually going to college is not at all how I envisioned and perhaps I should reconsider going. I know that the root of my unhappiness since September had been college and how I had such high expectations and so few of them were met.

Looking at those little pieces of paper with my happy memories was lovely, but it was also sad. Saying that, does not mean that I shall not be doing it again this year, because I plan on doing again. Those little pieces of paper had provided me with memories I had forgotten, and in years to come when I look at those little pieces of paper, I will only see the good in 2013, which is something I must always focus on. I must live for these good moments, even if they are fleeting, because at the end of the day they mean so much more than the bad moment. Here’s to a happy 2014.