It hurts. Actually no.
It doesn’t.
It used to, and for a second I thought the wound
would open. Bare raw flesh back bracing the wind.
But the instant twang turned to nothing.
Faded quickly.
It’s almost laughable now.
At how there was a blip in the timeline,
where we were good friends. Maybe something more.
But it burned and then there was silence.
An awkwardness, a regret, a blip.
Where two strands of a timeline accidentally crossed
and the universe realised its mistake. It crushed it.
Made it an uncomfortable memory. A lesson perhaps.
For me at least.
Probably not for you. Probably meant nothing to you.
I doubt you ever think about it. Maybe if you do
it’s to laugh or cringe, at the blip that our unfated, mistake of a crossing was.
So now our silence is only broken when regretfully
you need something. I answer. The blip in the timeline
reopened just for a second.
Only to close once more.
So yes, its laughable now.
How a meeting of people
becomes a wound
becomes a scar
to become nothing at all.
A memory that was nothing more than some blip,
a mistake made by the universe. And me, I suppose.
poetry
University Thoughts – A Compass that Goes Nowhere
I want to see the world but I am not truly ready to try
Far too cautious to let my toe dip the water
Because the unknown is too cold and deep.
And, I never learnt how to swim.
Yet I still long to see something new
Let my eyes see something beyond the end of my nose.
I want to be 80 telling stories of my adventures
But I’m too preoccupied with saying that
So I never actually go on them.
Longing to be walking somewhere else,
But too stuck in my shell to poke my head out
And let the current take me somewhere new.
So I stay still.
Lying to myself that I’ll ever move.
University Thoughts – Patchwork Girl (a poem)
A patchwork girl.
When there’s a tear, she takes out her needle and thread
and repairs the damage of what’s been done.
When she’s worn out, she takes a new piece of fabric
and replaces what was lost with something new.
When the seams come undone, she finds the loose end
and pulls herself back together again.
Because no matter the problem, or how she’s falling apart,
a patchwork girl will find a way to mend.
She repairs herself and becomes something new and
better each time. Because she won’t fall to pieces.
She can’t.
University Thoughts – Love feels like… (a poem)
It’s the moment when the sun is on your face,
and you close your eyes as your whole body fills with warmth.
Even though my eyelids are shut I can still see colour.
It’s contentment. It’s as if the whole world stops
the world freezes for me in that second. Nothing else matters,
because nothing else exists. It’s just warmth and colour and content.
I’d like to imagine that’s what love feels like.
At moments, fleeting moments, our love would feel like that.
It’ll be that small smile that appears on my face. The smile
that is only reserved for quiet moments when people aren’t looking.
Like when I’m in the cinema and only the story and the
characters exist and their happiness is mine. You and me could be those
characters, and that secret smile hidden in the dark would be for us.
I’d like to imagine that’s what love feels like.
At moments, fleeting moments, our love would feel like that.
It’s that breath that you take after the days have been so stuffy.
As if I’ve been starving for oxygen because everything around me
feels closer somehow. As if everything is squeezing me, and the air
is too stuffy, the air is too hot, the air is not enough. Then it breaks.
The rain comes pouring down, the sound like a tiny orchestra just for me.
And with that first rain drop. I can finally breathe again.
I’d like to imagine that’s what love feels like.
At moments, fleeting moments, I fool myself into thinking that.
Because, to me, love feels like nothing.
Love is an empty wish as I blow out a candle.
Thought no.351 – Holding on
There’s this tightening in my chest again,
the one I get when I’m alone
not that I am by myself,
I’m just craving an intimacy I’ve never known.
Thought no.288 – Worries
I thought I was collapsing
just wasn’t able to breathe
my mind not willing to share my worries
but my mouth had either ideas.
At first it was slow
the words forming gradually
at once my shoulders became lighter
so I continued in order to be free.
My mind protested to the words
but my mouth and heart knew
what was best, and they were right.
For speaking my worries
allowed me to breathe
I sighed with relief.
You understood and smiled,
listened intently
and beyond what I was saying.
You nodded and gave me your own words
of advice and care.
So not only was the weight lifted
my mind began to relax
it stopped battling the rest of me.
So thank you
I don’t thank you enough
and my mind doesn’t trust enough.
But as the saying goes,
Slow and steady wins the race.
Thought no.218 – Reflection
A while back I wrote a thought , Thought no.156 – Reflection, a poem to be more precise. Today I decided to make a short little visual to accompany this poem.
It looks a lot better in hd, and sounds a lot better if you have the volume up a bit more as the audio is pretty quiet.
Thought no.214- I can’t breathe
I feel as if there is a boa constrictor wrapping itself around me
squeezing and squeezing
I want to tear my hair out
I want to scream
I want to get a whole new identity
I feel as though my head is full of dwarves
mining and mining
I want to break something
I want to cry
I want to sleep until I am no longer me
I feel as though I restricted by being me
and paralyzed by these fears
I can’t breathe
Thought no.203 – Half a heart
My heart aches and I don’t know why
I would say it is because of you
but there is no you.
I wish there was a you, a you and me,
but I do not even know who you is yet
I hopelessly dream of a you
who will hold my hand and make me smile
sooth my wounds and make me cry.
Everywhere I go I see a someone who has a you
yet I am just a me, not a we, not an us.
Perhaps that is why my heart aches,
it aches because it is only a half not a whole
and it searches hungrily for what will
make it whole and not ache so much.
Thought no.180 – I shall burn
One day I shall burn
just wither away
but I hope to rise
like a phoenix from ash
Long gone will my worries be
I shall be new
new skin, new mind
as previous me
shall be burnt
gone up in flames
One day I shall burn
by my hands or another
but I know I shall rise
because it is either that
or stay within the ashes
of my past hell.
365 thoughts in a year 