University Thoughts – Christmas

(Technically these thoughts should be entitled Thoughts from Back Home, oh well)

Every year people say stuff like – I don’t feel christmassy at all, I’ve never felt less christmassy in my life etcetera etcetera. And that annoys me, it irks me for some reason when I see statuses and memes and whatnot saying that. But I agree, I feel it too. In fact this Christmas has never felt so unlike Christmas. I can’t even pinpoint why, as nothing has changed, the traditions are still the same, the day is still the same, but yet it doesn’t feel festive, it doesn’t feel magical. Something feels off-kilter.

I guess its aging that does it. Strips away the magic and excitement, because you aren’t waiting eagerly for Santa, you aren’t getting new toys to play with. I couldn’t even think of anything I wanted this year, there was nothing I particularly wanted or needed. So I got bits and pieces, which I very much like and am grateful for. But I suppose there isn’t that excitement or satisfaction of getting something you’ve desperately wanted.

Christmas is one of those days though that there is such a build up to, and the build up and the memories of past years and past presents are so much better than what the actual day ends up being. But Christmas is a day for family, for bringing people together and good will and it does that, I suppose it’s just I’m in the transition stage from childhood Christmas to adult Christmas and both are very different, and I have yet to work out how to transition and make myself comfortable in the new world of Christmas.

Thought no.294 – Stranger in a photo

Seeing a picture of yourself when you were a baby or a toddler or really anytime in the past is a surreal moment I find. I see this young human, who bears a slight resemblance to my current self; I know this human is me and yet they appear to be a stranger. I do not remember ever being them or this moment that was snapped and is now frozen in time. It is odd to believe that I lived that but have no recollection, though I know within some recesses of my mind there lies these long forgotten memories of childhood. It makes me wonder what it would be like to be able to tap into these memories and have that young girl, so alike me, on this photo become someone I know rather than a stranger.

Thought no.275 – Stifling

Life is stifling. There is no class with some handouts, or a step by step guide on how everything works. No one knows what they are doing, but oh my god does it feel like everyone but you actually does. Everyone at a glance seems like they have it together and it’s only you who is falling apart and who is completely and utterly lost. But when you look closer, you realise everyone is in just as deep and just as flummoxed as you. Though life has this uncanny ability to make you feel all alone, to make you feel alienated, to make you feel as if you are never going to make it. When you are younger you always think adults know what is going on and everything will be alright when you get there, but, adulthood is looming and maybe perhaps is already here and it is just at an arms length and I can see there there is no security. There is no security or understanding, life is still just as complicated and still makes no sense. I know now that it never will and there is no formula and there will always be moments when I feel like I am crumbling into a thousand pieces. Like life is burning every part of me and my skin is so red raw from it all. But I also know that there will be some moments when I won’t feel like this. I won’t feel like I am being crushed from the weight of it all, or that I am drowning; my head just being held under this water so I can’t breathe. I know that there will be moments when I will smile and laugh uncontrollably, things will make sense, I’ll be able to breathe and know everything will be alright. Life is stifling but I know that in the end there will be moments, many moments when everything is good. Amidst this stifling air there will be moments of clarity and I’ll be able to breathe just fine.

Thought no.47 – What am I going to do with my life?

What am I going to do with my life? A question which all of us have asked ourselves and will continue to ask ourselves until one day when the question changed to What have I done with my life? I wonder when we all started asking ourselves that question. I mean, you don’t see a six year old saying ‘What am I going to do with my life?’ all they care about is when their next big adventure of games is going to start. I think we begin to pose this question when he hit our teens.

When we reach our teens our outlook on life alters and we begin to see the world differently. We see just how much bigger and scarier it is and how life is all about getting a job and making money. But we still have our childhood heart of wanting to play games and have fun and chase our dreams. This is when the conflict truly begins and those words first fall from our lips What am I going to do with my life? At once we are no longer thinking about the present, we are reaching out into the black hole of our future just fishing for answers to that age-old question.

I am currently asking myself that question daily now. I am being pushed to start making decisions for my future and there are just so many options and so much I do not know about life or myself. I just do not have enough answers to find the answer to that question and make a decision. I am just plagued with the knowledge that what I decide now is going to affect the rest of my life. Which I personally think is too much pressure to put on someone my age, especially because I have barely even begun to live and all I know is education. I just don’t know what there is that lies outside of exams, beyond learning. I cannot see beyond my next exam right now, but I am being forced to look further and ask what am I going to do with my life?

My answer: I do not know. I do not know what I am going to do with my life, I hope I shall be able to follow my dreams, but “the world is not a wish granting factory” (John Green, The Fault in our Stars) and I know the probability of me achieving my dreams is slim as that is what the world has shown me. I want to leave a mark on this world, a good one, but doesn’t everybody and don’t most people fail and their mark becomes a scar? I do not know where my life is heading, all I know is that it is heading somewhere and that I will continue to ask myself that question and alterations of that question for the rest of my life.