Sleepy Brain has Woken Up

I haven’t written a blog post in what 3/4 months? It would seem life has managed to escape me. I feel as if life has been stagnant and today is the first time in a long time that I have truly stopped for a moment and seen so much of it had passed me by. 4 months! What have I achieved in that time? Well, I’ve completed my A-levels, gone blonde, contacted some literary agents, started a completely new book away from trilogy’s universe, I had a job lined up for summer, then had it taken away as the company went bust, and then have spent the majority of my summer holidays so far in this limbo of trying to find a job and just wanting the summer to be over so I can start University. Start this new chapter of my life.

I have made no lasting memories in Summer, I never do. Instead I have been at home just going quietly a bit mad if I’m honest and doing chores and trying to find a job. And now, well, now I have a summer job. I start this tuesday coming and I think having that approaching has finally woken me up from this stagnant mess I’ve been in.

I so often find myself trapped inside my own mind, trapped in thoughts that keep me rooted, stagnant. Now that I have a job coming that will keep me busy from 9 to 5.30 Monday to Friday I suddenly want to be active and creative and seize memories. It’s strange that. Strange how our mind work, because when we have all the time in the world our minds cannot bring themselves to wanting to do anything and now that I know I won’t have all this time my brain has suddenly woken up. Fat lot of use that is to me now.

But really I think the main problem is…I am just perpetually lazy and right now for the first time in ages I want to be active.

Thought no.227 – Back to school please

There are virtually only two weeks left (and a bit) till the end of the summer holidays, and frankly I just want them to end so I can go back t college. My summer holidays have been pretty crap, I’ve done very little in regards to holidays and going off and having fun doing things. I’ve just been working, and whilst that’s nice for my bank account and for me, I’m done with the holidays now. I just want to get back to college because I do genuinely enjoy it and my lessons. Sure I don’t always but, who does? I’m sure no sooner than I’m back Ill be complaining about it, but right now its where i want to be.

I know I’d have a different tone of voice if I had been off on holiday somewhere, or constantly going out with friends and adventuring and doing things I enjoy. But literally my holidays have consisted of work and laptop time. I’ve had about eight weeks of holiday and have achieved very little and created very little memories, or created much. Sure I bought myself a new camera and have started filming on it but I still lack the confidence to write a script and “hire” some friends to act to create some little shorts.

Summer holidays as you get older become less fun I feel. Well, for me they have. Your parents don’t take time off and plan holidays or outings, you aren’t a young kid going out with your friends all the time to a park or round their houses. You’re just kind of there having a shit time. Part of it is down to the type of person that I am, that I am fine in my own company and don’t strive to do things, because I seem completely and utterly obsessed with money and the preserving of it. Which is something I have become very aware of over the summer holidays.

I have achieved very little. I just want to get back to learning and have these holidays over and done with.

Thought no.212- Can’t

Do you ever just get to a point where you just can’t, you physically can’t make yourself do anything and you really don’t want to either. You just want to curl up and sleep for an eternity; like a giant reboot of your system. You just want to wake up and feel genuinely refreshed and rearing to go, with the right mindset full of motivation and inspiration. That’s what I need right now. Or better yet, I need a new, a new, a new something. There is this part of me that is yearning for adventure at the moment, yearning for something more, because practically my summer holidays is consisting of me working, just, work, work, work, and will continue to do, I know that as it is already all mapped out for me. I think that’s whats happening because after working I don’t want to do anything, sure there are things I should/could be getting on with but my mind has decided that it has been active for long enough and so just wants to have some mindless activities.

I want my reboot. I want to awake and have work over and done with and be ready to do things that I actually want to do.