University Thoughts – Apologies

Sometimes you are the villain in your own story. You are not good, you are not nice and you are not wise. What you are is bad and mean and wrong. Because in life you aren’t always the hero, you aren’t the good person in the story. Because you’re the villain in someone else’s and even in your own. Even if you know this, even if you acknowledge this, sometimes being sorry isn’t good enough. People don’t always want to hear sorry, they don’t want to accept it because they want to keep you the villain. And that’s hard because you fell off your path and made a few mistakes that you are genuinely sorry for and wish you’d never done. And you can’t undo it and sometimes they don’t want to hear sorry, they just want you to suffer like they did. Which isn’t right either. Sometimes peace cannot be found. 

No one wins.

Thought no.14 – I’m sorry

Why is it that I seem to be a completely different person when I am around other people and when I am by myself?

I also feel as if I am doing all the wrong things in social situations and annoying others and do not realise until after it has happened and by then I can not take it back. I need to think before I speak but my tongue starts before I have even been able to process the situation. Once my brain does catch up I realise that what I have done is wrong, and all I want to do is turn back time and apologise. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Please forgive my lack of social etiquette. I really am sorry.

When I am alone I so much calmer but I am so much more unhappy. I think when I am around others my body jumps at the chance to feel this happiness that I get from company but then I fuck it all up and then I can only re-live the experience again and again when I am alone again. I do not know what I prefer. There is a quite that sums me up rather nicely “Introverts don’t get lonely if they don’t socialize with a lot of people, but we do get lonely if we don’t have intimate interactions on a regular basis.” – Sophia Dembling.

Lately having joined college and left school and my friends. I have lost the intimacy I am so used to. I have never been as close to my family as I have been with my friends. Without them I feel very alone so when I have this chance with my acquaintances/friends at college I suddenly find myself acting stupidly because I am finally having the intimacy that I have been deprived off. I even act stupidly/hysterically with my family now, just craving comfort. I want to scream and shout that I want someone I can be close with. Because I am no longer as close with my school friends, after all, we are in very different places.

All I need is one person. One person who I can share everything with. Then perhaps my social situation will not be so bad. I am so sorry, if you have had to deal with me the past week or so. I know I have been difficult, clingy and perhaps a bitch at times. I truly am sorry, but I do not have another outlet. Except the excessive amount of sweets and stuff I have been eating. Comfort eating. But perhaps that is a thought for another day.

Though I would like my thoughts to be more cheerful it would seem I mostly focus on the negative. I am learning though, slowly, but I am learning. I am sorry.