University Thoughts – Just Let Go

Letting go has never been a strength of mine. Never realised until recently that it may be one of my greatest weaknesses.

Sometimes you need to let things go, let mistakes go, let memories go, let people go and yet I cling onto them for dear life. It hurts people, it hurts me and yet I can’t for the life of me cut the rope. It’s like they’re lifelines and if I cut them then that’s it, I’m dead, or it’s as if they are the only things keeping me ashore and if I let anyone of these things go then the winds will take me and suddenly I’m lost at sea.

These things, memories, mistakes, places, people, they get under my skin. They know how to get under my skin. They don’t realise that once they are there, once they wiggle themselves there that I can’t just let go. It’s not in my nature to just let go, to give up.

I’m afraid to let go, even when I know it causes more damage to keep hold.

I want to apologise really. To those out there that I can’t let go, that I’m not sure how to let go. For some of you that’s okay, you don’t realise that you’re still under my skin, so it’s just me that’s still hurting, not you, you don’t have a clue. But there are others out there who get hurt because I can’t let go and so keep on trying, keep on trying to hold on. But it’s not working, and I’m trying. By god I’m trying. But It’s so hard, I don’t work like that. I want to keep everything, cherish everything, save what I can. So I’m sorry. But not just to you people, places, mistakes, memories and things but also to myself. I’m sorry I put you through this. You have to forgive yourself for this, but I know it’s hard. Maybe one day we’ll be able to but for now all I can provide are apologies.

University Thoughts – The Masks We Wear

Everyone is going through their own struggles, their own pains, and inner turmoils. And for the most part you can’t tell. We are a species of thespians, everyone knows how to put on their very own show. Though everyone’s show is different. Some do so by being over happy, forcing a smile and a laugh because for a little while it distracts them, others bite their lips and fight back tears because they can’t force a smile but god be damned if they are going to let those tears fall, others turn cold and repress it all and block it so their faces expressionless, and others get angry at the hand they have been dealt and at what they are trying to deal with. Every single person wears a different mask to hide what is beneath, for some those mask, very rarely, if ever come off, for some their masks will only come off around certain people and for some keeping the mask on is too much so they let it fall, and for a few they hardly even bother with the mask.

It often means that emotions and true feelings stay hidden or what they are feeling is misdirected or misrepresented so those around them can’t truly know what is going on or even guess. And then they’ll start getting annoyed because it feels like no one understands what they are going through, and that they are being inconsiderate, uncaring, rude, ignorant. But how are they supposed to know if you don’t let down your mask? How do they know they are unintentionally making it worse if you don’t let them know, and how do you know that your misdirected behavior is hurting them if you don’t even try to look at things from their perspective?

My sister is currently hurting. She’s finding it hard to acclimatise herself back to being home, but all we are seeing is anger and disrespect and rudeness. How are we meant to know and help her when she’s feeling unhappy when all she is giving us is this? I admit i have thought that she’s been rude and ungrateful and disrespectful, which she is being but she doesn’t see that, all she sees is that she is hurting and no one cares. When they do. We do. I tried to reach out to her, to talk to her, I asked her if she wanted to chat, but she didn’t want any of it. She doesn’t want to hear some of the hard truths, because she knows she going to get some of that as well as comfort, she’d get that too.

It’s difficult to take off your own mask, and it’s just as had to see someone take off theirs.

Thought no.34 – Comforting

Trying to comfort someone can be one of the most hardest experiences in life. Especially for me. I am not someone who is naturally able to convey emotions myself and be free with them, so trying to comfort someone who is obviously in distress is difficult. I find the hugs I give them awkward and the questions I give them pointless and the advice I give them halfhearted. I often find myself resorting to trying to make them smile or laugh because that is the only thing I can genuinely do. My presence is never enough and my words are not comforting, so I just try and give them a break from what they are feeling and try and get them to smile.

I do not know if trying to make them laugh is comforting or is of any use, but it is the only source of comfort I can give. I apologise for all those who I have tried to give comfort or if you have ever sought comfort from me and gotten this response. I try, I honestly do, I just do not know how to react. For example one of my friends fell down some stairs and was obviously hurt and we both laughed slightly at the scenario, I asked if she was alright and helped her up and there were obviously tears in her eyes. And someone goes to me “aren’t you going to give her a hug?” I did, but the hug was awkward, especially coming from me. For be comforting someone hugs just don’t come across right and I doubt anyone finds comfort in them. As you can see in that scenario all I knew was how to make my friend smile, but not for the long term.

Today I felt rather helpless whilst trying to comfort someone. I could not find the words or actions. I felt truly terrible, all I could give them were my terrible attempts to make them laugh or take their mind off from the pain, just for a second. So to all those that ever seek comfort or are given comfort recognise and remember that not all of us can give you the same type of comfort, but know no matter our method we will be there. I promise.