University Thoughts – Patchwork Girl (a poem)

A patchwork girl.
When there’s a tear, she takes out her needle and thread
and repairs the damage of what’s been done.
When she’s worn out, she takes a new piece of fabric
and replaces what was lost with something new.
When the seams come undone, she finds the loose end
and pulls herself back together again.
Because no matter the problem, or how she’s falling apart,
a patchwork girl will find a way to mend.
She repairs herself and becomes something new and
better each time. Because she won’t fall to pieces.
She can’t.

University Thoughts – Love feels like… (a poem)

It’s the moment when the sun is on your face,
and you close your eyes as your whole body fills with warmth.
Even though my eyelids are shut I can still see colour.
It’s contentment. It’s as if the whole world stops
the world freezes for me in that second. Nothing else matters,
because nothing else exists. It’s just warmth and colour and content.
I’d like to imagine that’s what love feels like.
At moments, fleeting moments, our love would feel like that.
It’ll be that small smile that appears on my face. The smile
that is only reserved for quiet moments when people aren’t looking.
Like when I’m in the cinema and only the story and the
characters exist and their happiness is mine. You and me could be those
characters, and that secret smile hidden in the dark would be for us.
I’d like to imagine that’s what love feels like.
At moments, fleeting moments, our love would feel like that.
It’s that breath that you take after the days have been so stuffy.
As if I’ve been starving for oxygen because everything around me
feels closer somehow. As if everything is squeezing me, and the air
is too stuffy, the air is too hot, the air is not enough. Then it breaks.
The rain comes pouring down, the sound like a tiny orchestra just for me.
And with that first rain drop. I can finally breathe again.
I’d like to imagine that’s what love feels like.
At moments, fleeting moments, I fool myself into thinking that.
Because, to me, love feels like nothing.
Love is an empty wish as I blow out a candle.

University Thoughts – Review

I’m alone once again in the house as I wait till Monday to leave for Easter, And even then I’m not going straight home, I’m in London for a few days for work experience and then I’m come for a couple of days then I’m back.

Second Semester has gone just as fast as the first has, and with it of course has been a billion and one negatives. But I don’t want to focus on them. I always focus on them, I have had to live them, I don’t want to waste so much time reliving them as well. They were difficult enough I don’t want to continually torture myself. I do that enough so let me just take a couple of minutes to remember and reflect on the good. Because at the end of the day they are the memories I want to cherish and fixate on. (to be fair i should really do this reflection when I’m back after easter because i’m only back for a month, but I want to do it now.)

Second Semester, you gave me a late night trip up to the cathedral in my pajamas, late night walks, a film in a night, numerous drunk nights (most of which blur into one or can’t be remembered), an ftv drinking social, an ftv quiz social, a night of drunk baking, just baking in general, pin the tail on wayne the spliff donkey, an australian themed house party in liverpool with Laura before she left, late night adventure to a park with Nicola and Sara, the discovery of massive bop-it with Emma, Steve the swede, the aiden turner calendar, disney sing alongs in the living room, dancing in the living room, playing Zombies with Rachel, going to nandos and getting desert with Rachel, dying Alicia’s hair, dying Sara’s hair, dying Nicola’s hair, dying my own hair ginger, snapchat filters and captioning them to eachother, doing a modelling photoshoot, going to mcdonalds far too much, drunk kerplunk, the party light, girls night at Tyler’s with the mattresses downstairs watching romcoms with facemasks on and a shit tonne of food, chilli night, filming for Joes film, giving birth for Joe’s film, filming  for Toby’s film, filming my own short film, finishing my short film, getting the smoke machine for my own film, staying up late just to talk about bridges for some unknown reason, getting addicted to the facebook games, going to the arcades, quiz night with my old flatmates, having singles night with Sara, trips to toys r us, eskimoos, try not to laugh game with water in our mouths, the house party that was both the best and worst thing ever, media research group presentation group meetings, the ugly bug ball, film nights with the house, long stints in the edit suite, going to the pub when the sun came out, doing work in the sun, nerf gun war, going to parallax for a film screening, the continuous ripping between myself and my friends, all the new inside jokes that we’ve created, still continuing to jump out at each other and just domestic life as a whole.

Because to be fair at the end of the day, it was the small things. Silly things that I can’t quite remember or have only just remembered now that gave me such joy. I find when I look at things as a whole, I find it underwhelming, disappointing, but I look. really look and remember, I can say it was pretty alright. Naturally there were blips, and tears, and arguments, and mistakes, and a billion and other bad things. But it was still good. I’ve still had fun and been happy between the bad and that’s what counts.

University Thoughts – Just Let Go

Letting go has never been a strength of mine. Never realised until recently that it may be one of my greatest weaknesses.

Sometimes you need to let things go, let mistakes go, let memories go, let people go and yet I cling onto them for dear life. It hurts people, it hurts me and yet I can’t for the life of me cut the rope. It’s like they’re lifelines and if I cut them then that’s it, I’m dead, or it’s as if they are the only things keeping me ashore and if I let anyone of these things go then the winds will take me and suddenly I’m lost at sea.

These things, memories, mistakes, places, people, they get under my skin. They know how to get under my skin. They don’t realise that once they are there, once they wiggle themselves there that I can’t just let go. It’s not in my nature to just let go, to give up.

I’m afraid to let go, even when I know it causes more damage to keep hold.

I want to apologise really. To those out there that I can’t let go, that I’m not sure how to let go. For some of you that’s okay, you don’t realise that you’re still under my skin, so it’s just me that’s still hurting, not you, you don’t have a clue. But there are others out there who get hurt because I can’t let go and so keep on trying, keep on trying to hold on. But it’s not working, and I’m trying. By god I’m trying. But It’s so hard, I don’t work like that. I want to keep everything, cherish everything, save what I can. So I’m sorry. But not just to you people, places, mistakes, memories and things but also to myself. I’m sorry I put you through this. You have to forgive yourself for this, but I know it’s hard. Maybe one day we’ll be able to but for now all I can provide are apologies.

University Thoughts – Souls

It hurts.

Being alone hurts, though I suppose it would hurt more if I knew what it was like at the other end. If I knew what it was like to have my soul warming to another, be entwined with another. My soul has only ever known me, it hasn’t even been in the position to start to know another. I think that’s what hurts.

Everyone has had that chance. So many people around me have had their soul meet another. Have their heart suddenly race, their face smile when they get a message from them. But also to have that smile falter, to have tears fall, have their heart break and have a fire pour out from the cracks. I haven’t had that.

It’s just empty.

And it feels ever-so like the emptiness is expanding. Especially when so many around me are finding someone to make them feel less alone. To make them feel special, to make their heart skip at the sight of their smile and words. To ache like they have never ached before. But me…

I don’t know that feeling. Don’t know what it’s like to hurt like that. Have the hurt be so intense that you could burst, have someone hold my soul and be capable of hurting it. I am told I am lucky. Told never to find another soul because it’ll only bring pain. But that’s easy to say when you have felt the pain, because you’ve known the happiness.

I’ve never known the happiness.

It’s consuming me. Swallowing me whole. Yearning to know what it’s like, I want to understand. I want to have my soul learn about another, I don’t need to be entwined I just want to know what it’s like to feel irrevocable bound to someone. To have them consume every thought within my brain.

Because right now the only thing that consumes my brain is myself. My own piercing lonesome thoughts, watching the world go past. Watching friends hold hands and share those smiles of early knowing. Where the corners just crease and their eyes are filled with nothing but warmth. Familiar laughs and comfort, and jokes and jibes that can only be said after knowing someone’s soul with every piece of your own. The hurt too. Have the memory of their smile send your heart sinking and your eyes blue. Or to have the memory of them leave you nothing but cold and memories so old they have no connection to who you are anymore.

I just feel lost.

I don’t need another soul for me to know where my own is. I know who I am, I am whole without another one joining mine. Though it doesn’t stop the feelings of being trapped in a dark forest, with every path covered in brambles and having to pull myself through painfully and bloodily.

I am told there are souls that would like to get to know my own. But my soul doesn’t seem to want to get to know theirs, and neither does it believe them. It knows feelings are so often confused by desperately wanting and desperately needing. That these wants and needs are projected on someone who shows you kindness. That’s all those souls think, they think they want to get to know mine. But I see through it all, I know the truth.

And the truth causes me to hurt even more.

As at the end of the day I’m destined to feel this way…and know that it’s partly through my own design that that is the case.

University Thoughts – Floating

How is it I feel so lost again? I just can’t for the life of me get a grip on reality. How many times have I felt like this? Always revisiting this sense of floating, I manage to ground myself, weigh anchor for a while. But I always end up back here, my anchor gone and I’m left floating.

I just can’t seem to make myself be present. I try, I really do. I can’t. And I’m so tired, oh my god am I tired.

I’m tired of my brain. Of the relentless thoughts, that just won’t leave me alone. I can’t get them to stop. I’m tired of caring and worrying about everything and anything. I am just tired of floating and of not being able to make my mind shut up.

There’s some irony there. I cannot ground myself to anything but my thoughts. I am clad to them in iron chains and shackles. Unable to free myself. Stuck floating with the never ending train of thoughts. And I am so tired of revisiting them, the same thoughts whirring about my mind over and over again then new ones join the cycle but the old ones never gone. They only grow in numbers.

I’m so tired of floating. So tired.

University Thoughts – Last Few Weeks

I am in my final few weeks of University. My first year is almost up and I can’t quite believe it. It has gone by so fast, that’s the thing you go to University and you’re trapped inside this little bubble and you don’t quite realise that time is passing and then suddenly… its almost over.

Everything still seems so surreal. I often have moments where I still don’t believe that this is real. Especially when I go home, because it feels as if this life is all made up. Even being here in the moment I still can’t process that this is real life. And the fact that it is almost over, that’s the strangest thing of all. I feel like I have been here forever but also that I have hardly been here at all. I don’t know whether I’ve made memories that I’ll cherish forever, I already feel like I’ve forgotten so much; everything is just blurring into one.

Today for example, was the first time that my flat actually ever cooked and ate a meal all together. We usually just cook separately, so even this act, something that everyone does, was surreal. It was something we’d never done before but it was lovely. Though like everything it is a memory now and the fact that it was real hardly even seems true.

This last semester feels weird in itself. I can’t even pinpoint it. Something feels off. Perhaps it is the inevitability that this is the end and I won’t ever experience living like this again, perhaps its that we’ve all changed so much over these past seven months (seven months is that all, it seems like it should be, has been longer, it’s not enough), maybe its the stress of all these looming deadlines. I don’t know what it is, but something seems off. Maybe its just me. I think I am getting nostalgic and missing it before it has even ended.

I’m not ready to let go of first year. Not yet.

 

 

Thought no.125 – Plenty of fish in the sea

Of all the fishes in the sea
why did you have to choose me.
I do want to swim these tides
And be reminded of the blue in your eyes
Our time together is long gone
Yet these waves carry on.
I’m stuck with these memories
I feel so disjointed now
without you by my side
Why did you have to choose me
when there are all those other fishes in the sea.

Thought no.120- Once Upon a Time

Once Upon a Time,
There was a princess locked in a tower
but no prince came to save her
he did not come and slay the dragon.
Instead she watched from the window
the world she felt she was missing
A world cloaked in sunlight
whilst she was cloaked in darkness.
Each day she would count her imprisonment
with a tally. A scratch here and there
She kid herself into thinking the marks
would save her.
They did not.
The marks only made things worse
Reminded her that she was trapped
by the dragon that held her captive.
She often thought of just jumping out
her tower but knew she would die.
She imagined it so many times.
The tallies increasing
One day she turned the knife from her tallies
but towards the dragon that guarded her.
She killed the dragon
and found a way to escape the tower without death.
Finally she got to walk into the light.
Her feet took step by step until the tower was far behind.
The princess did not need a prince,
she only needed time, strength and faith in herself.

Thought no.119 – Expectations

I have a problem. I have to work exceptionally hard in order to get good grades. I put in the effort and the time and consequently get good grades so it is expected of me to get them. In media I am known probably as the goodie-toe-shoes and the one who is really good at it. This is because I know I find media difficult so I put in the time and work hard in both lessons and outside of lessons and actually do my homework and hand it in on time. Every time I have done an essay for media it has taken me a long time and I usually have all my resources around me. I shall be doing an essay in class tomorrow, timed, and the best five essays will be used as examples. People in my class made a point that they bet it would be me. I haven’t managed to write a media essay in thirty minutes without any of my notes and everyone is expecting me to be fine and do well. I think people assume because I am doing well I find media easy. I do not. I find it hard but want to do well so I try as hard as I can. I hate the fact that I feel all this pressure about this essay tomorrow because everyone expects me to do well, if I do do well they will be like oh what a surprise. Then if I don’t actually do well I know I will get some sort of stick or whatever about it. I should not be feeling so anxious about this essay and I hate the fact that the expectations of others is constricting me in such a way. I should only have to worry about my own expectations not other’s. But unlucky for me I do not have that luxury.