How is it that there is silence when stories were once shared. That our mouths once smiled and laughed only to now show no emotion at all. How eyes used to look for one another now do everything they can to avoid even making a millisecond of contact. Excitement at getting to see one another is now replaced with dread. I don’t understand how we could have once been friends to now mean nothing to one another. How can all those memories be gone and considered nothing now, how can you just pretend I’m a stranger when we were once so close. I understand that time has passed but these avoided gazes or blank stares feel like a knife straight into my chest. I could never forget so how can you?
friendship
University Thoughts – An Unhappy Memory No-more
It hurts. Actually no.
It doesn’t.
It used to, and for a second I thought the wound
would open. Bare raw flesh back bracing the wind.
But the instant twang turned to nothing.
Faded quickly.
It’s almost laughable now.
At how there was a blip in the timeline,
where we were good friends. Maybe something more.
But it burned and then there was silence.
An awkwardness, a regret, a blip.
Where two strands of a timeline accidentally crossed
and the universe realised its mistake. It crushed it.
Made it an uncomfortable memory. A lesson perhaps.
For me at least.
Probably not for you. Probably meant nothing to you.
I doubt you ever think about it. Maybe if you do
it’s to laugh or cringe, at the blip that our unfated, mistake of a crossing was.
So now our silence is only broken when regretfully
you need something. I answer. The blip in the timeline
reopened just for a second.
Only to close once more.
So yes, its laughable now.
How a meeting of people
becomes a wound
becomes a scar
to become nothing at all.
A memory that was nothing more than some blip,
a mistake made by the universe. And me, I suppose.
University Thoughts -Words I cannot say
Your eyes are imploring me. No. They’re begging me to say the words that you so desperately want to hear. But I can’t say them, my mouth cannot form those words because they are not my words. They are the words that you have imagined hearing, wished you’d hear. You’ve only ever heard them in your voice, my mouth moving but your voice and words coming out. That isn’t what you want though. You want for my eyes to look into yours and for me to smile and have my mouth say those words that you long for.
I can’t.
The only things that I can say are the words that you do not want to see my mouth form. Because they are like a stab in your chest, causing your heart to ache and break just a tiny bit more. I can see it in your face when I tell you that I can’t say them, won’t say them, because it would only be a lie. I see the words that I do say to you are of no comfort, they are not words of pain or malice, they are words of friendship. But to you that word cuts just as sharp, because they are not the words you want to hear or accept, no matter how many times I say them. You want me to repeat your words back to you.
The problem is they are not my words to say. They are yours, they have always been yours. I cannot take your words for my own as they will never be mine.
University Thoughts – We Were Friends Once
When we first met we were both young and innocent and the world was exciting to us. We were ready for a fresh start; to say goodbye to what we had once seen and knew. You were merely a boy and I a girl, yet I think we found a sense of one another in each other. I wouldn’t go so far as to say kindred spirits, and I don’t believe in fate or destiny but almost our friendship was meant to be. I think we were meant to be friends.
But you aren’t that boy anymore, and I am not that girl. We’ve seen more things, we’ve been through more things. We struck a cord with one another but then without either of us realising we brought knives into play, and stuck them into our friendship. One that was once so pure and real and strong and right. We lodged those knives into one another and since then have done nothing but push and twist them. The wound dripping blood and tainting the memories that I had once cherished.
When I look at you now I do not see that boy anymore. I do not seem him at all, I cannot find that friend in there anymore, because you are not him. And you don’t see the girl that I was either. We were once in sync, our friendship and our lives side by side but now we’ve dispersed and too much has happened, the knife has gone in so deep that it had to be taken out. The blood isn’t dripping on what was once our friendship, it’s covered it, and it’s gone, soaked in red.
We are not the same people we were when we first met. I look at you and I don’t see him, you may as well be a stranger to me now. It’s wrong because you wear his skin and I wear hers, but they left, we aren’t those people anymore. And its all rather melancholy, to stand opposite one another where smiles and laughter and happiness and secrets and adventures were once shared, and now it’s just stale air of two strangers, who carry bags of tainted memories.
University Thoughts – The Haze of You
When you first meet someone, you don’t think much of them. You don’t have much to say about them, you might have the initial first response like “oh they’re funny” but that’s about it. You don’t waste any more time on them than that.
Then you get to know them and you realise your first assumption of “oh they’re funny” is true, because they really are. But then you learn other stuff about them. You realise they’re smart, talented, irritating, a wind up, kind and caring. You get on well with them. You form a friendship and then suddenly without you realising it changes. Then you start seeing them in a haze, you wonder why you’re seeing everything in a haze. It’s like everything around them is clouded and your heart starts beating faster when they see you and every time they speak you can’t stop the muscles in your face from smiling. And it’s scary. Because usually when it comes to people your brain is so logical and then suddenly it isn’t.
You can’t even understand why it’s them. Of all people to suddenly change it’s them. Even in your haze you can’t quite understand it. Because the haze isn’t just what you see surrounding them, it’s how your brain starts to think. Then with alcohol down in your system, the little bubbles of intoxication clear your brain and you think that you’re invincible and that you might explode, so you tell them. You tell them that they are now a haze. That’s when it all comes crashing down, because you saw him in a haze but he only ever saw you clearly.
The only good thing about setting the words free is that it also sets you free. It allows for the haze to lessen, it’s not quick like you would hope. But it’s gradual. You notice yourself missing them less, not waiting to see if they’ll message you, not waiting for them to reply to you or notice you, or that involuntary smile. The haze falls away and you still see the good attributes, but you also see the bad now as well, you don’t misread everything they say or do. Because the haze is no-longer there to misdirect you, you see their words and their actions for what they are. You realise that they were never really genuine with you, never really kind, or a true friend, they are what they are. You can see that clearly now, the haze is fading and you wonder why there ever was a haze in the first place, because when the haze was there you were trapped in it. But now you’re free.
In the end you see that you were just a fool playing your part in a weird game and only they knew the rules but they thought you knew them too. You didn’t.
Thought no.251- Friendships
There are two friendships in my life, which I greatly and deeply regret having lost.
I regret the loss of my childhood, primary school best friend Sharna, evening spelling her name now feels so wrong and distant and oh-so foreign. She and I, I would say drifted apart when we went to secondary school and I never really made the effort to prevent the drifting. I don’t think I realised how much I would miss her and her friendship. It is in fact only this past year or so since leaving secondary school that these feelings of regret and have come into play. I don’t know really how to describe y friendship with her and it feels so long ago that we were that close, but my primary school days are riddled with our friendship and she was my primary school days. Just thinking about it now it making me feel all emotional. I’m even welling up.
The second regret is the loss my friendship with Millie, her and I were best friends for about three years or so but it feels so much longer. As I look back at it now, she and I were so similar in our likes but we were also different but she like a soulmate friend. I always wish and hope for having this one friend who I could go and do anything with but the fact is I had a friend like that and I lost her and only realise now how much I regret how I acted. We didn’t fall out. Not at all if we still see eachother we wave and smile, I’d like to say we drifted apart but that wasn’t the case. It is my fault. I’m not good with expressing my feelings and closed myself off from her and in the end ruined the friendship, because I was a stupid idiot who got annoyed and couldn’t just voice my issues and tell her what was going on.
These two friendships are some of the greatest friendships I have ever had and whenever I think that I am not friends/close friends/don’t speak to them anymore it does slightly break my heart. I know that sounds extreme and sappy but it is true, as you don’t realise how good something was until it is gone. These two girls were friends who i could say were my friends as in just them and we had that solid foundation just between us.
My current close friends I wouldn’t say I have a single strong bond as I did with these two, we’re a group of four and I always feel strange hanging around with one and not the others. I feel as a group we just work well and feel strange if we hang out separately so don’t try and do that, which is stupid and idiotic. But I know now that I am not a good friend. I don’t know if I know how to be a good friend.
But yes, there are two friendships in my life which I regret with all my heart that they ended. I wouldn’t know even how to rekindle the friendships or even if I could and if that they were perfect at the time and trying to rekindle would ruin the memories. Perhaps, friendships just have an expiry date, and sometimes its best to let them end rather than let them go bad.
Thought no.143 – I’ve changed
Have you ever become so acutely aware that you have changed? I was meeting up with some friends from my secondary, close friends, but we haven’t talked for over a month and I go to college now so hardly ever see/talk to them. But I realised the way I thought about things, the way I reacted to them was different. Being around my college friends being the way I am comes naturally and it feels fine when I am around my old friends why does it suddenly feel as if what I am doing isn’t natural and feels wrong around them. I know have changed, it just never seems so wrong before. I felt like my changes were bad around them because they know who I once was and of course to them the changes seem sudden because they only see me now an again but they aren’t I have gradually changed as people do. It just so happens that it seems like a big leap when I am around them because who I once was is still so close to the front of our memories. People change, that is what happens and change is good but why do I feel so bad about it?
Thought no. 46 – Youtuber Community
This is a subject that is close to my heart as I am an avid watcher of the so called ‘youtubers’. I could talk about so many things, to do with how they have shaped me, how I admire them, how I want to be one of them, how I want to create content, but those are thoughts for another day. Today I wish to talk about the youtube community.
I believe there are two parts to the youtube community: the watchers and the creators, and it is no lie to state that there are far more watchers than there are creators. Today I’ve been thinking about the creators’ community, the ‘established’ or ‘famous’ sector. The part where it seems every single youtuber knows one another and is friends with one another.
I think it is amazing that everyone gets along so well and everyone is genuine friends. I think, (queue my bias opinion) that the British youtube community is one of the closest. They all have their little cliques within in but overall everyone just seems exceptionally close. Their friendships are something that as a watcher I envy but I also need to be able to separate myself from, because although they are welcoming me into a part of their life I am not actually in it.
The community is a beautiful place full of these creators that are supportive of one another and help each other create content, it just seems like a genuinely lovely community. Though of course looks can be deceiving, we never know what is going behind closed doors. The point I am trying to articulate is that this world created through cameras, a computer and a website has joined so many people and has provided them with friendships that are sure to last a lifetime, but as well give them all opportunities to go after their dreams. To have a hobby that is so much more than a hobby, but most of all they get to share it with us, the ‘watchers’. The Youtube Community, and youtube platform, is in my opinion one of our generation’s greatest assets and achievements.
365 thoughts in a year 