Happiness is a strange creature. Her absence is always noted and yet her presence rarely. You forget that she is there in the smallest of moments, because when she isn’t everything feels ten times more empty, it feels like all warmth has gone and you are left alone and shivering and you forget that she was ever even there in the first place. Happiness tends to hide in the corner of your mouth, she creeps in without you noticing, your heart gets warmer without you realising. She’s that fleck of yellow in the corner of your eye that you never seem to see. But when you look back when she’s gone, you see the haze of yellow over your memories and her sitting in the corner and in the upturn of your smile. So take a note of that. Don’t catch yourself stuck and frozen in her absence, live for her presence and make the most of when she’s there. You are just so preoccupied with her absence and it just so happens to be that when she’s gone she’s so much louder than when she’s was there. So just the time to listen and look for her in the corner. Because she’s there, I promise you that.
February Thoughts
University Thoughts -Words I cannot say
Your eyes are imploring me. No. They’re begging me to say the words that you so desperately want to hear. But I can’t say them, my mouth cannot form those words because they are not my words. They are the words that you have imagined hearing, wished you’d hear. You’ve only ever heard them in your voice, my mouth moving but your voice and words coming out. That isn’t what you want though. You want for my eyes to look into yours and for me to smile and have my mouth say those words that you long for.
I can’t.
The only things that I can say are the words that you do not want to see my mouth form. Because they are like a stab in your chest, causing your heart to ache and break just a tiny bit more. I can see it in your face when I tell you that I can’t say them, won’t say them, because it would only be a lie. I see the words that I do say to you are of no comfort, they are not words of pain or malice, they are words of friendship. But to you that word cuts just as sharp, because they are not the words you want to hear or accept, no matter how many times I say them. You want me to repeat your words back to you.
The problem is they are not my words to say. They are yours, they have always been yours. I cannot take your words for my own as they will never be mine.
Thought from 16/2/15 – Laugh
Laughter is the best medicine. Well, that’s what people say. Laughter is such an intense emotion, I believe it’s the most intense of all. Happiness and sadness are fleeting, anger and jealousy are persistent, but laughter is intense. It is the only thing that can banish away everything else. Even though it may only last a second, in that second nothing else exists except for this sudden euphoric sensation. Everything in life is eradicated, even if only for a moment, but in that moment everything else ceases to exist because the only things that does exist is laughter. So yes, I believe Laughter is the best medicine. It may not be a cure, but it does what medicine should do. It takes away the pain. Laughter makes everything better. It doesn’t matter that it is only for a second.
A Thought from 5/2/15 – Weakness or Strength
She told me crying released the tension, but I’d much rather keep it in. I don’t like people seeing me cry, sometimes it’s because I don’t want to seem weak. But in truth it is because I don’t like people knowing what’s going on in my head. Crying reveals I am upset or hurt. I don’t like people knowing that. I wouldn’t divulge that so I hate it when my body acts accordingly and against my wishes. I know that crying is not a weakness and keeping it all in isn’t strength, but it feels that way. I feel as if it’s easier to pretend everything is okay when no one can see what’s happening in my mind. I feel stronger that way.
A Thought from 2/2/15 – Drowning
Do you ever feel as if you are dying? As if you are dying really slowly, I mean it is not that far off the mark, because we are technically all dying. Born to die, we’ve been dying since the moment we were born, extremely slowly. But it’s as if I am dying right now, well, metaphorically speaking for I don’t know what it is like to die. Perhaps this is drowning. That’s it. I’m drowning.
I’m losing the ability to care or rather I am caring, far too much and don’t want to care. And it’s suffocating me, I’m drowning in it all. My brain is pressing against my skull as it fills up and it is driving me insane. It may only last a couple of days, or weeks, but then it shall return. I always seem to start drowning again and again and again. I am doomed to drown in life it would seem. For I am incapable to know how to handle it and survive it and enjoy it.
I wrote a thought for everyday last year, and my tagline for it was a thought a day keeps the madness away. And in retrospect it did in some strange manner. Writing it would seem is exceptionally therapeutic for me, as for the past month not writing like this, not seeking that escape everyday; I’ve missed it. Perhaps not actively, but looking back on it I have. Maybe that is why I am drowning in life again, or it is the beginning of the year, I seem to remember drowning this time last year too…
Thought no.59 – Waiting
Life is full of waiting, whether you are waiting for the timer to go off on the oven so you can take your dinner out, or you are waiting for a parcel to arrive, or waiting for the weekend. We are always waiting. Throughout life we shall wait, we will wait for it to get better, to find love, to find a job, to start a family, to pay off our mortgage, till our next paycheck, till our next holiday, Christmas, our birthday, waiting is a part of life and always will be. It can be infuriating sometimes, but in the end we know that someday that waiting shall be over whether it is in the next few minuets and we can take out our dinner, or the next day when our parcel will have arrived, or waiting a whole week because its Monday and we just wish it was the weekend again. It will end. We do not have to wait forever and sometimes if we don’t want to wait we can always go out there and get what we want. We often forget that we can speed up our waiting by getting up and getting what we want.
Thought no.58 – Reaching the end
I have almost completed the third and final book in a series I am writing. I’m almost at the end but I just can’t quite bring myself to write it. I would say I am probably about a chapter away from the end. I know it is my first draft and so it still has a lot of work that needs to be done, but it still feels like the end. The story is ending and I don’t want it to.
Writing this series has been very special to me and it means a lot to me as I first started writing it in 2012 when I was going through one of the most difficult parts of my life. It was my escape, it was my therapy, it was my way of conveying how I felt without actually telling anyone. And I’m almost done. I don’t want to be done, but I know there is no more that needs to be written, there is not another story that needs to be told. All my characters are safe now, and I want them to be safe so I must finish writing.
With the previous two I never had such reserves and refusal about writing the end because I knew it wasn’t the end. I knew there was something else coming. But now…everything is so final. These characters have been with me for the past 2 years now, they are a part of my life and I worry that without them I will lose myself and resort back to the horrible place that I was in in 2012.
It’s like with most books and when you are reading them and you can see you only have a couple of pages left and you want to prolong it for as long as possible because you want to savor the moments but you also just really badly want to get to the end. But afterwards you are left with that numb lost feeling. It’s going to be like that but worse because these are my characters, I created them. And I really don’t want to let them go.
Endings may be hard to write but reaching the end is hardest of all, because it won’t continue, it all just ends with a full stop.
Thought no.57 – Leadership
I hate being a leader. It’s not that I am a bad leader and can’t handle being leader. In fact I’m a pretty good leader. I just don’t like the responsibility. I am perfectly happy with being responsible for myself but hate being responsible for others but the knowledge that everyone knows I am the leader…well, I hate it. I truly do. I would much rather someone else be labeled leader and then I do all the work they would be required to do. Or I would just rather be a team-player where my only responsibility is that I get the job I have been assigned done.
At GCSE drama, my teacher one time called me an invisible leader. Saying that I was being a leader of the group and trying to organise everyone and help where I could without actually being the leader. She made this out to be a bad thing. Which I have never believed was the case. In every group project you need a leader. I never volunteer to be the leader, but I can become an invisible leader. Someone who doesn’t have the responsibility but has the other attributes.
To problem with being a leader is that you are often classified as being a bitch, especially if you are a girl. A woman in a position of authority or power is often classified as a bitch. So when I am in this assigned position of leader I worry that this is the way I come across. I have anxiety and in these situations it is mild but ever present that I need to have everything sorted and if it isn’t sorted it panics me. So i will often harass people in doing what they need to be done, or saying I want this by then, or we should do this by then, or I would like so and so to do this. I worry that people think I am being mean or a bitch, but the truth is if I don’t organise everyone, if our project isn’t done; it is not them who are in trouble it is me as the leader who is trouble as I did not organise everyone.
That’s why I hate being the leader. That is why I won’t volunteer. That’s why I would much rather be a team-player. Just because I personality might suggest I’d be a good leader does not mean that I actually want to be one. So please, teachers, don’t pick me.
Thought no. 56 – Just a little something
Thought no.55 – I want to make videos
Every single time I watch Becoming Youtube I am always inspired to start youtubing. The newest episode yesterday was no different. I would love to create youtube videos. I ideally would make artistic videos, maybe short films, things similar to what Kickthepj does. I think I have realised I enjoy telling stories and well I only ever do that in writing but I think I would like to try in video. I have all these ideas in my head, I can see the videos I want to create but I don’t know how to create them and I don’t want have to made crappy versions of them. I want them to be good but I don’t have the ability to.
I know everyone has to start somewhere, even on youtube. But I don’t want to start with making terrible videos. I want to be able to make these ideas in my head. I want to make good quality content. I don’t care about the subscribers I care about making good videos and I don’t know how to do it. I just wish that I could. I wish I had the ability to be able to make the videos in my head real. Or I wish I just didn’t care that my videos were terrible quality.
That’s the problem with youtube, alongside the divide between viewer and creator, is that want-to-be-creators wish to make something of similar quality to those that that are watching but don’t know how and so never try. I don’t want to make a terrible job of the ideas I have, I don’t want to see what I have created and realise it is nothing like the image in my head. I wish I had the courage to try though, or I had the persistence to keep on trying until I got better. I am my worst enemy. But all my ideas are of a high standard and I want to meet that. So every time I am inspired to create videos it angers me immensely to know that I want to so much but just cannot meet the expectations in my head.
365 thoughts in a year 