University Thoughts -Words I cannot say

Your eyes are imploring me. No. They’re begging me to say the words that you so desperately want to hear. But I can’t say them, my mouth cannot form those words because they are not my words. They are the words that you have imagined hearing, wished you’d hear. You’ve only ever heard them in your voice, my mouth moving but your voice and words coming out. That isn’t what you want though. You want for my eyes to look into yours and for me to smile and have my mouth say those words that you long for.

I can’t.

The only things that I can say are the words that you do not want to see my mouth form. Because they are like a stab in your chest, causing your heart to ache and break just a tiny bit more. I can see it in your face when I tell you that I can’t say them, won’t say them, because it would only be a lie. I see the words that I do say to you are of no comfort, they are not words of pain or malice, they are words of friendship. But to you that word cuts just as sharp, because they are not the words you want to hear or accept, no matter how many times I say them. You want me to repeat your words back to you.

The problem is they are not my words to say. They are yours, they have always been yours. I cannot take your words for my own as they will never be mine.

University Thoughts – Mind and Heart

I know my mind and I know my heart. They are one of the same. I know what I think and I know what I want so why is it my words and actions sometimes betray me? It’s as if instinct and longing and stupidity and desperation all get confused and my brain thinks that those lies are the truth and makes my body act appropriately. And my mouth is forming words that do not sound like my own and my body is acting freely just my mind and heart are shouting, no they’re screaming, trying to tell me that this isn’t what I want or need. Yet I don’t hear them. I don’t hear any of it. Not until later, when sometimes it is too late. But sometimes it isn’t, because my mind and heart are stronger than I give them credit for and sometimes they are able to steer me away. Let my words shout but stop my body, let my body move but control my words. Because I know what my mind and heart want and it isn’t this. 

Thought no.335 – I want my words back

I sometimes forget what it is like to write. Like properly write, when I write with my whole soul, heart and mind, the type of writing where it feels as if I have to write because otherwise I’ll die. The sort of writing that consumes my whole being as if if the words themselves were being etched all over my skin so that my writing and I become one. I sometimes forget, in fact I often forget that and I also miss it. I miss feeling like I must write or I will combust with the words I have left unwritten. Those words that need to be put down, because I need them to be down somewhere because it fills me with a sense of purpose, a sense on incandescent joy, that wondrous moment where everything makes sense but also when everything around me ceases to exist and it is just these words, just those words that exist.

I don’t remember the last time I truly felt like that whilst writing. It has been so long because the fact is, I have made writing a chore for myself, and I haven’t needed to write. Not like I feel I once did, right now my mind is so busy it is not in need of having to write, it does not need to find the solace it once found among words. But also its because I couldn’t find the solace, I still can’t really find what I need in writing right now. That leaves me conflicted it leaves me slightly lost I feel because often written words, well more than often actually, but written words come more easily to me than spoken. I often bury myself in the recesses of my mind and the only way to resurface is to write and right now I’m not writing and right now I miss it. I miss feeling the need to write.

I sometimes forget what it is like to write. Truly write. Because I have not done so in so long. But in order to be able to truly write…I need a story.

Thought no.295 – Speak some words

Do you ever feel as if you unintentionally annoyed someone, or you said something that has no ill intent but it somehow gets corrupted as it reaches the recipient’s ears and then to their brain? Because I feel like that happens to me far too often. I have a slight problem where I don’t seem to think before I speak and so my mouth creates the words before I even have time to think about what they are saying and sometimes what I say, once it is said and my brain can catch up I realise what I said or the way I send it should be retracted. But also sometimes its just when you see the recipient’s reaction that you want to take them back because although what you said wasn’t wrong or mean it hit a nerve in them, but there’s nothing you can do once these words are in the air. All you can do is mull over them and that does no one any good.

I mull over what I say far too often, even if I do plan what I am going to say one it is out there I usually want to take it back. Words have such a power and such an effect that I don’t really trust them when they are coming out of my mouth. Writing is easier, my hands seem to be able to speak better than my mouth ever could. My brain speaks better through the written word than the spoken word I think, though I am not sure why.

Thought no.221 – Where are the words?

It is often difficult to put into words how you are feeling. To express that bubble of emotions that resides within you, your brain understands you; knows how you are feeling but it can’t express it, not even to yourself. It is easy to use words, adjectives, like sad, angry, happy, excited, but its when your feelings can’t be categorised like that, when they are more complex it is hard to explain concisely. Sometimes its easier to use metaphors to try and relate and express you how you are feeling in an analogy, but that can often come across pretentious, be misconstrued or even not actually express what you wish to.

Words are complicated, they are also so simple and there aren’t enough of them. I don’t know enough of them, I don’t know the right words to express my emotions, to let them out from within the confides of my mind into the outside world. I can’t express them so how can I even begin to deal with and understand them? And this project, often my words escape me, in fact they reguarly do, I have found ways to skip and cheat a thought away, with poems, quotes, even just saying I am not going to write a thought. I very often express myself like this. I don’t often use as many words as I am using now. Why? Because I can’t often find the words. (laziness is also a big contributing factor but this thought it about words and emotions).

Without being able to express how I feel I will keep it bottled up and it will manifest. That’s how I cope with things, I am getting better with expressing how I feel but more over trivial things, not the deep rooted emotions that I can’t find the words for or the metaphors. I mean, I probably could find a metaphor but it still couldn’t truly express my emotions.

I feel as if right now, I need to shift my perspective upon this thought topic, give an answer to what to do when you can’t find the words or give an example. But the problem is I don’t have the answer not yet. I don’t have the answer for what to do when you can’t express your feelings, and I still do not have the words to give you an example. All I can say is I am feeling things, within which I would like to express but cannot as I know and feel that these are feelings that have resided in my mind for a very long time and are manifesting. Yet I cannot deal with them, how can I when I can’t even express them.

Thought no. 94 and 95 – Feelings

 Sometimes when you are so broken there is no way to put the pieces back together. In the end you just have to find a way to fill in the cracks and empty spaces.

– something I found that I had written inside a notebook

Thought no.86 – All I need

Words are all I’ve ever needed,
Who needs a plane
When you have a book?
A book is a journey,
A plane is just a ride.
Words are the arms around me,
Soothing me as I cry.
They know what I am feeling
before I have even felt it.
They never fail me
They never lie.
Friends come and go
but these words are forever.
They are all I ever need.

Thought no.78 – Written Word

If a picture paints a thousand words
But actions speak louder than them,
How can I ever be heard with written words as my only tool?
I have no picture, and I have no actions
I only have my written words.

If a picture paints a thousand words,
But actions speak louder than them,
And I only have written words as my tool,
Then I believe the written word can
speak to everyone, and change the world.

All you have to do is read,
And my words shall be heard.

Thought no. 32 – Words

I believe words escape all of us now and again. The sounds just at the tip of our tongues ready to form the desired word but then our tongue falters and we are left with nothing. Our brain working in overdrive as it tries to search for the specific word that you were looking for but to no avail it has disappeared. Fallen into the void of lost memories, forgotten ideas and problems we are trying to forget. When my words escape me I often resort to just making a sound a sound to try and encapsualte what I am trying to make coherent.

Naturally this doesn’t help others trying to understand me, but my own brain is able to translate the meaning to my sound and knows the word I am searching for matches it. It doesn’t however mean that my brain will be able to find the word. Because most often if it has fallen into that void within my brain, the only way it is coming back out is if something with another brain is able to throw me a fishing rod and reel it out for me.  But you always have someone who is kind enough to go fishing with you so you are often left wordless. 

The problem with words is they can only communicate so much, like in this blog, my words are all I have here. You do not know me as a person so may not understand when I may be joking, sarcastic, or why I phrase things the way I do. I may also not make what I am trying to say clear enough, because my string of words just isn’t right, or I might use too many words and it is as if I am just rambling at you. Here my words matter a lot because we are not having a conversation, so you cannot see my facial expression, nor my hands (which gesticulate a lot), or my body language. And just seeing all these words and be rather daunting and unappealing to read, as I haven’t even got pictures going up. 

My words are what this blog is based upon. My words and thoughts. But I think perhaps this month I shall try and think about how I can present my words. But here is to another month, hopefully this month I will be able to do a thought every single day and not have to combine thoughts.