University Thoughts – The Beast Tangled in my Chest

When the lights turn off and cheeks find themselves nestled in soft that is when something within your mind gets ignited. As if someone has lit the fuse and the fireworks begin to go off. Every time there is a lull between bangs you find your mind wandering into a sweet serenity of calm, quiet, of sleep. But some nights those fireworks just will not stop.

With each bang comes a new intrusive thought that cannot be banished. Thoughts and emotions that have been set aside for sleep, but not now. Here they are now in their loud, abrasive, colourful way. And tonight with it comes fear.

Like a gurgling beast resting within my chest and curled around my rib-cage it was once sleeping, once dormant. But the fireworks awoke the beast and at once it stiffens in surprise it’s limbs locked around inside you, suddenly tighten. The beast is alert and so every part of you is too. The fireworks keep on banging, scaring the beast more and more. because with each bang comes a new thought, a new emotion, a new problem, and a new fear. Something that you weren’t aware of before, and in the dark it seems ten times worse. Because this beast curled around inside me, doesn’t like the dark, doesn’t like how everything is distorted and how everything is louder in the dark.

I’m afraid. And nothing in the dark will stop these fireworks from going off, nothing will settle the beast, because its awake now. It took long enough to lull it to sleep last time, I worry how long it’ll now.

Thought no.2 – Sleep

Why is it that some nights sleep just seems to evade you and refuses to take place within your tired little mind?. Last night was one of those nights where I just couldn’t get to sleep, whether this was due to the sounds of the rain and wind howling, or the fact that my mattress is so old the springs dig into me, or I was subconsciously worried about something. I don’t know. All I remember was that the idea of sleep seemed impossible and it was infuriating.

I am one of these people who cannot just place their head on their pillow and fall asleep. It takes me an hour to 2 hours to fall asleep, which let me tell you is a nuisance, especially when you are sleeping around somebody else’s house. Though I must admit, I do love that part before sleep, because I use this time to create my own dream and scenarios which I play throughout my head. I can place myself into my favourite book or tv show, or give myself a life I have always wanted, I love that moment before sleep. I like living as someone else, or somewhere else.

Honestly, most days, I prefer sleeping and that part before sleep than actually living throughout the day, I look forward to getting to have my own personal dream each day. I sometimes even plan what I am going to dream about each night. I see that as rather pitiable, but I shall know that if I do not look forward to my dream-life before sleep, then I will know that finally my reality is better than my dreams. I hold out for that day, and sometimes those days exist, they are rare, but they give me hope that one day reality will be permanently better