Thought from trying to get to sleep

As  get older I am becoming more aware, and yes i know that is a common result from growing up. But as I do I realise I am not quite so alone with the way I think and feel. I am meeting a wider range of people; I’m not stuck talking and seeing the same bunch each day as I once was. The problem is that now I am not quite so alone I see others suffering worse than me, we have struggled though/ are struggling through the same things yet they are worse than me. They have more reasons. Meaning I, meaning that I am diminishing how I feel because I haven’t got it as bad as someone else or “have I really got this problem? or am I actually going through the same thing as them because clearly we are going through something completely different.”

Comparing yourself with others is always going to reap negative results because you either put yourself down or bring yourself up, usually the former, but you can’t truly compare yourself with others. There are too many differentiating factors, just because someone may seem as if they are worse than you it doesn’t mean that they are. But it also doesn’t diminish how you are feelings, because your feelings aren’t less important or less meaningful or painful or whatever. How you are feeling still matters! The main problem is there is a part of my brain that understands this completely the other part very clearly does not. Two sides battling it out and both use such great logic, it’s hard to chose to believe one over the other and believing in both just makes it worse because they start battling out.

Thought no.301- So I Cried

I feel a little bit stupid now but sometimes you just have to give into your emotions no matter how irrational. I am someone who worries, I am perpetually in a state of “what-if” and worry about the future, especially if I haven’t got control over said problem.Today, well, about half an hour ago my stress levels just peaked and I couldn’t think rationally. I just cried. I needed to talk, I am often someone who just swallows my feelings but for once this stress just needed to explode and it did. I feel stupid now and as if I have over-reacted but the thing is I can’t control how I react to situations. Hence why I reacted thus, and yes I feel foolish and stupid but I also feel ten times better. My parents may not completely understand why I get stressed over something that I have no control over and react the way I do, but the truth is I don’t know either.I’ll only ever know if someone picks apart my brain, which isn’t going to happen.

So, yes, I cried, but I am feeling better now and I implore you if you are feeling stressed, worried, panicked, anxious and you need to cry just do it. You’ll feel better afterwards, I promise.

Thought no.221 – Where are the words?

It is often difficult to put into words how you are feeling. To express that bubble of emotions that resides within you, your brain understands you; knows how you are feeling but it can’t express it, not even to yourself. It is easy to use words, adjectives, like sad, angry, happy, excited, but its when your feelings can’t be categorised like that, when they are more complex it is hard to explain concisely. Sometimes its easier to use metaphors to try and relate and express you how you are feeling in an analogy, but that can often come across pretentious, be misconstrued or even not actually express what you wish to.

Words are complicated, they are also so simple and there aren’t enough of them. I don’t know enough of them, I don’t know the right words to express my emotions, to let them out from within the confides of my mind into the outside world. I can’t express them so how can I even begin to deal with and understand them? And this project, often my words escape me, in fact they reguarly do, I have found ways to skip and cheat a thought away, with poems, quotes, even just saying I am not going to write a thought. I very often express myself like this. I don’t often use as many words as I am using now. Why? Because I can’t often find the words. (laziness is also a big contributing factor but this thought it about words and emotions).

Without being able to express how I feel I will keep it bottled up and it will manifest. That’s how I cope with things, I am getting better with expressing how I feel but more over trivial things, not the deep rooted emotions that I can’t find the words for or the metaphors. I mean, I probably could find a metaphor but it still couldn’t truly express my emotions.

I feel as if right now, I need to shift my perspective upon this thought topic, give an answer to what to do when you can’t find the words or give an example. But the problem is I don’t have the answer not yet. I don’t have the answer for what to do when you can’t express your feelings, and I still do not have the words to give you an example. All I can say is I am feeling things, within which I would like to express but cannot as I know and feel that these are feelings that have resided in my mind for a very long time and are manifesting. Yet I cannot deal with them, how can I when I can’t even express them.